Unless there is a really good reason, I never lend money to friends or family. But Dave does.
The conventional wisdom is that you should never lend money to friends or family.
For me, that old saw was reinforced after I read a curious article in the Huffington Post that attempted to explain why our friends and family often fail to repay money that they borrow from us.
In a nutshell, the piece offered the following five reasons:
- You refuse to ask for the money back.
- You make it too easy for your friends to ignore you.
- You didn’t get the loan in writing.
- Your friends assume that their unpaid debt won’t result in a broken friendship.
- Your friends never planned to give you the money back in the first place.
However, the author failed to offer the most logical reason why people routinely welch on loans from their friends and relatives: they’re deadbeats.
So it’s no wonder many people avoid lending money to others.
As for yours truly, I have loaned money to a financially-pinched friend or relative – but it’s rare.
For example, I’m much more likely to open my wallet if I believe someone is in a bind due to something outside of their control.
That being said, if you happen to be a friend or family member who’s thinking about asking me for a loan, be careful. If one or more of the following are true, your odds of success will be extremely remote if:
- You refuse to get a job — any job.
- You’ve got a million reasons why you can’t work a second job.
- You drive a brand new Lexus when a 1997 Honda Civic will do.
- You insist on living somewhere with a high cost-of-living even though your income (or lack thereof) can’t support it.
- You fail to understand that debt is a mortgage on your future.
- Your priorities are all screwed up.
- You live in a larger home than you can reasonably afford.
- You refuse to raise additional cash by selling some of your “toys.”
- You prefer to blame others for your poor financial situation.
- You’re materialistic.
- You fail to comprehend the concept of value.
- You’ve got a closet full of $300 designer jeans.
- You own a $600 handbag.
- You wear $800 Louis Vuitton Millionaire sunglasses.
- You play the lottery on a regular basis.
- Your teenager drives a brand new car when a beater will do.
- You think money grows on trees.
- You insist that packing a brown bag lunch is waste of time.
- You recently completed an ambitious kitchen remodel even though it didn’t really need it.
- You own five dogs, three cats, a cockatoo and an anaconda.
- You refuse to quit smoking.
- You’re woefully disorganized.
- You can’t tell me exactly how much money you earn each month.
- You can’t explain — nor have any idea — where your money goes every month.
- You refuse to save money by eating leftovers.
- You believe it’s all about living in the moment.
- You just got back from a 10-day Caribbean cruise.
- You have no concept of personal responsibility.
- You failed to maintain rainy day and emergency funds.
- You own the latest iPhone.
- You eat out too much.
- You’re still sending your child to private school.
- You’re a big believer in keeping up with the Joneses.
- You still have a gardener.
- You just bought another large screen high definition television.
- You seem to think that poor planning on your part constitutes an emergency on mine.
- Your spouse refuses to get a job.
- You don’t know the difference between a want and a need.
- You’ve shown no inclination to change your financially destructive behavior.
- You haven’t established a credible plan for digging yourself out of debt.
And if that’s still not enough reasons for you, here’s one more: Quite frankly, I’m tired of coddling people who refuse to sacrifice and make the same hard decisions that I do every day in order to ensure I live within my means.
Is that harsh? No — that’s life.
So, now that I’ve made myself perfectly clear … do you still want to ask me for a loan?
Photo Credit: Infrogmation
This is the BEST article for so many people, especially living in our current-day economy! GREAT LIST!!!
🙂
Perfect list to have on hand. My friends don’t ask me for money, but I would lend to just a few. Me encantan tus historias, es la primera vez que comento. Love your blog!!!
Thank you, Minelly!
Espero que me sigan visitar y saludar a veces!
Gracias por contestarme. Descubre tu blog hace un tiempo y me encanta. Volver a comentar tantas veces como pueda. Greetings from Puerto Rico!!!
O.M.G. !! Thank you so much . Very rarely do I respond to an article , but I’m saving this one and printing copies . Well said .
Hey, that is quite a compliment, Lynn! Thank you.
People who are willing to make the sacrifices generally don’t ask for money. An elderly friend once told me, “There were times we thought we wouldn’t make it, and we’re still here.”
I love that quote because it is so true. I know lots of people — and get email testimonials from others — who manage to make ends meet even though they earn a relative pittance.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
Thank you for that. It reminded me of the tough times I went through, and with God’s help I made it. I learned how to make it on a little, and manage money. I sure appreciate what I have now.
My sister-in-law meets 36 of the 41 on the list — even the tongue in cheek ones. We used to just give her money, but no more. She did us a favor and then tried to charge us $300 for her time! She said we OWED her the money and that we cheated her by not paying it.
We regret our contribution to nothing more than her huge sense of entitlement.
For those folks, tough love is absolutely the best medicine — although it’s hard to administer sometimes. I know. It’s just like punishing your kids. It’s necessary sometimes, but it takes courage to do it.
(I know my kids still have trouble understanding that — just as I did when I was young — but they will get it eventually.)
We must have the same sister-in-law.
Say No to lending.
Say Yes to investing!
Best. List. Ever.
You. Are. Much. Too. Kind.
This list would be helpful to many (note, not all) of those seeking gov’t assistance; unfortnately, that’s not a loan with no promise or obligation of a repayment:/
That seems like a really ignorant, uninformed opinion.
Couldn’t agree more,tmr.
I’m from Puerto Rico.
Thanks for stopping by, Minelly!
(Good personal finance habits are the same whether you’re from Puerto Rico or California!)
I rarely lend money to friends or family. I am so fortunate most of the people I know have it together financially. If they do need a short term loan, they are very likely to repay it.
You are fortunate, Bret.
Only if everyone had the resolve you do we might have a chance of deadbeats learning from their mistakes!
Word.
Will I ask you for a loan? No Siree. I’d be a sucker to borrow money from you when all I have to do is just go to socialist politicians and they’ll just take it from you and give it to me. Why should I borrow something from you that I have to pay back with interest when I can get the government to take it from you and just give it to me because I am “entitled” to it? : )
I’m going to take the easy way out here and assume that was a rhetorical question, Griper. LOL!
Jesus, people will use ANY reason to complain about socialism.
Political blowhards like that permeate the Internet. I ignore them like pop-up ads.
LOVE This list., especially #20 because it also makes a very convenient excuse for being too busy to deal with your financial issues.
Len you animal hater, how dare you treat my rescues as a discretionary expense. I saved their lives!!!!
Hey now … Let the record show I love animals — especially dogs. In fact, I practically worship them!
(Just ask my faithful pup, Major.)
LOVE This list., I know many of these people.
Somehow earning and saving money isn’t that difficult or life draining when its someone else who’s doing the work. This post hits way too close to home. I could rant for pages on it.
So….does that mean you’re not going to loan me that 50 bucks?
That depends. Do you own five dogs, three cats, a cockatoo and an anaconda?
LOL, I’m sending this list the next time I get a ‘loan request’ (ain’t a loan if you don’t pay it back)!
This is a great reminder, as well, to not make the same mistakes of the past if one of your mistakes is on this list.
A while back, my wife and borrowed money to pay bills when I had lost my job and was scrambling to find another. If I was more enlightened back then and knew I could suspend some of these monthly obligations rather than keep paying them, I may not have needed to borrow. Theres still a feeling of shame that I did it, as I like to think of myself as self sufficient financially.
Great list. How long did it take to think of them all?
48 years.
You got wise early.
This seems a little specific. You have a relative ask you for money recently? …one with an Anaconda and nice jeans?
Excellent & practical! As a Baby-boomer, I was raised by parents who mostly paid cash for everything, so they never made a purchase until they had cash in hand, even for the family car. I can’t have been the only person of my generation who experienced this, yet it’s kind of disheartening that so many people live according to your list. On the upside, I think the present generation of 20-somethings, with student loan debt. & tapped-out parents, are learning some tough, but practical lessons on how to manage their financial lives. Apps & the internet help them search deals. Kinda cool!
Best list ever. My husband and I used to be friends with another family who were always desperate for extra money. We had three children, they had five. I was constantly buying diapers for them, even paid their water and light bills a few times because I felt so bad for them. We used to hang out socially and I started to hide my nicer things because the wife would always make comments about how “rich” we must be to be able to afford such items, like my KitchenAid mixer or new bikes for the kids. Eventually, they only called when they were short on money and I began to resent the heck out of them. Still, I felt bad for their kids, who would come over to our house when they were hungry. Our last straw was when we were invited to their daughter’s quinceanera and on the way there, they called us to ask us to get the kegs (hubby has a pick up truck) and when we got there to get the kegs, we found out they hadn’t even paid for it yet, and assumed hubby and I would pick up the bill once again! Hubby did pay for it even though I was fuming, and when we got to the party, we were introduced to the entire family as “our rich white friends.” I don’t need to pay for friends, I told the wife that night that I expected to be paid back for the keg money, and I never heard from them again. That was four years ago. Best money I ever spent never to see them again.
Years ago, my parents had a neighbor couple with a young baby. They seemed nice enough, but the husband was a lazy bum who didn’t work much. She was always appealing to my kind-hearted mother for “money to buy food and milk for the baby.” This went on for a while, but my mother grew suspicious that she was being conned (and they never paid her back, always having some crisis). This really angered me, because my parents were living very frugally themselves, my father being seriously ill.
So the next time the young woman came and asked for money, my mother told her “I have no money to spare, but I’ll be glad to give you food”–and packed up a nice selection of food and milk, enough to feed them for several days. The woman looked unhappy, but she took the bag of food, and they never asked my mother for money again.
I see the like button for facebook. Is there a share button?
Nope. But if you’d like, Jeff, simply copy the link and paste it into your Facebook status! I’d appreciate it!
Great post Len!
I think you should write a post of “2 Things No One Told Me About Getting My Finances Straight”
1. People will ask you for money advice (fine)
2. People will ask you for personal loans (eh)
Like you, I base my decisions on lend or not to lend on financial maturity.
– Friend A just graduated from school. He doesn’t have a full-time job yet but he has been diligently hitting the streets every day to apply for jobs and is working a part-time job in the meantime and eats ramen to save on cash. (Approved)
– Friend B just graduated from school, is not working but blames the economy on his lack of a job and isn’t really trying to find one. He just crashed his car and bought a new one, and eats at semi-nice restaurants every night. (denied)
I am all for generosity to others but frankly, generosity is usually lost on the habitually immature. When I lend, it is a gift and I understand there is a possibility I won’t get it back but if the borrower is fiscally mature, I probably will.
I just got around to reading this. Perfect list. I have to share it.
This one hits a bit close to home. I cosigned(I know, I Know bad idea) for a close relative of mine. They can check off a few of your list items and I could check them off for them. They ended up missing a payment early on which almost got me a credit negative (I cleaned it up and they paid me back). After this I explained I cant hold this debt because of near future investment interests. Unfortunately they are not as eager to refinance with someone else than they were to ask. 🙁
I’m sorry they considered you a significant relative. Significant = Sign/if/I/cant. Lesson learned.
That is brilliant, Bill!
I love this list. I wish I had read it before loaning money to tons of friends,
THANK YOU for this list!!!!!
GENIUS!
Am soooo writting about this in Spanish. Great work Len!
Wow, been there done that. Did not realize this is such a common problem. Was working as a professional, saving lives & supporting myself (no 1 else was going 2 do it :)). After a childhood of deprivation, I bought what I wanted. My father called me selfish. Suddenly everyone was asking me for “loans.” Thank you Daddy Dearest. After losing so much money, that is the end! No more lending money. Now I say, “Have you tried Citibank? & why not?”
When someone asks for money, I ask them how many hours they work each week. I then tell them that I work 70-75. When they put in 75 hrs per week, then I will talk with them about loaning them money. Always, the comment back is: I can’t do that, I have to be with my family….I then say that I am not staying away from my family so that they can stay with theirs.
This really defines who is willing to work for their present and future.
I have never loaned money to Family. I juts prefer to adjust their $500.00 loan request to a $300.00 gift, or their $300.00 loan into a $150.00 gift, or their $1,000.00 bail money loan into “are you kidding me?, Let him cool his heels there”. If I can’t give the money away, then the answer is simply “NO”. We both know I’ll never see the money back anyway, so they have to accept my answer. So far, no one has ever even offered to “gift me back” any money- but at least they have stopped asking for more. My phone barely rings anymore, and I’m cool with that.
I am pinning this on my refrigerator…..
I hope my BF can read….
This is so timely. I loaned to two relatives in the two years and both situations got very irksome that neither was paying at the same time. ONe finally paid me off, but for the past 18 months I kept saying, just send even $5, just so I know you haven’t forgotten and I don’t have to be put in the awkward spot of asking you, still no monthly payment. Then the other person simply is one of those not planning their life well, being irrational in choices, quits a job with no other one likely to be found within a month and has the attitude, I am not poor, therefore, no need for her to find a way to give up her cigs to pay me anything back. To add to your advice, if they needed a loan and you give it to them, they are now even more in debt as a result and you will be the last to be paid back if ever.
Oh yes, and I posted this to my FB page in hopes certain people referenced will read it. I made sure to give you credits Mr. Penzo.
Great list, you really think like I do.
I had a friend who drives a $40,000 car ask me for $100 after only knowing him for 3 months. He lied about why he needed the money then tried to badger me into giving it. “It’s a Yes or No question” so I said “No”. I explained to him that I’ve only had problems in the past with loaning friends money. We had planned on hanging out that day – but he got angry and cancelled. Later he admitted that he had lied to me and only wanted cash to gamble with – but never even apologized. He has not called me since.. good riddins.
I’ve end 3 friendships in the past 2 years for this type of issue. Who needs friends like these anyway?
I’m copying that list and hanging it up! Love it!
More thoughts. When I was poor, I lived for ten years in my landlady’s basement. It did not occur to me to ask the eight millionaires in my family for help. I simply worked a lot of OT. Now, I have some money, and, well, other people want it. I am teaching them, “Love me or not as you please but my relationships are not going to be about money. Don’t ask.” Why? Asking alters the family/relationship dynamic, usually negatively. If you say, “No,” they gonna hate ya. If you say, “Yes,” you will become an ATM because why would you disapprove a second request after paying the first? And, they WILL ask. By all means, give money, help out if you can and want to, but do not make asking a permitted part of the relationship. Good folks will value you for YOU.
I would never want a friend like you. You have all these reasons not to help me. Well, you are not worth my time if I cannot turn to you in my time of need. You are not a true friend. And what goes around comes around. I recently asked a friend to borrow me money. She said she didn’t have any. She also is a compulsive liar. Well I took her out of my phone and will no longer allow her into my life. Done
What a lucky girl. If only all the “friends” who ever dared to ask me for cash after they’ve violated any of the rules I listed above would remove me from their phone list too! Just sayin’.
Friends are not ATMs. Your temporary financial worry has nothing to do with your friend. If it is a valid loan need there are businesses for that.
I agree fully with your list, I never loan anything that I can not afford to lose. Family are the worst offenders and I know that I have only a 25% chance of seeing the money back, no matter what they promise even in writing.
Funny enough my friends have always paid me back, but of course the sum loaned is usually less than $50.
That’s a great list. Number twenty-eight “You have no concept of personal responsibility” pretty much sums it all up. Sometimes things happen that are just beyond people’s control, but there are so many financial problems that could be prevented with a little foresight and some self-discipline.
Great article. I thought I would qualify for a loan from you if I were your friend and really needed one, but you got me on number 30. I have an iphone I got free from Verizon.
David, if you got it for free, I’d probably make an exception.
Don’t give money to friends. It ruins friendships. Don’t ask for money unless it’s an emergency. If you do, don’t lie and say it’s a loan. It’s charity. If you can’t accept charity, then you don’t need a loan.
Money ruins friendships and family relations.
Great message. I wish i had read this earlier but it is never too late. This an eye-opener for me. thanks a lot.
#42 – you have one or more tattoos. If you can afford a tattoo(s), you have funds available to pay your rent, car payment and grocery bill, if only you prioritized according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
What a great list. I love this blog–found it when I was Google-ing “lending money to friends.”
Four years ago, I made the mistake of helping a co-worker. She was in a really bad situation: the Feds raided her house in the middle of the night and arrested her husband for dealing drugs. Of course, he was guilty as Cain and she professed to know nothing of his dealings. (The Feds found $70,000 in her house that she didn’t know was there.)
Anyway, she was really struggling after he left and I paid her $900 mortgage payment. I told her I would help with her mortgage ONCE. I didn’t want to see her kids and her two pit bull dogs get evicted. Since then I’ve periodically helped her with gas or groceries.
I never was sure how much she made but I eventually found out. Her base salary is about $48,000 a year. (Since this happened our boss is allowing her to regularly work overtime, so she makes more.)
The other day she came to me and said her power had been cut off and she needed $500 to get it turned back on. I told her this is the last time I’m helping her and I gave her $50. (At the time, I thought, “you need to have your power cut off because you are an idiot. Perhaps a few 100 degree days with no power will snap you out of it.”) Later I found out that her child support payment was a few days late and this messed her up.
Since the money arrived, of course, she feels no obligation to pay me back. Yes, I make twice what she makes, but for the past 20 years I’ve been socking away 20% of my salary; I buy everything on sale, and I drive an eight year old car that I meticulously maintain. I live a frugal lifestyle but she does not. God Willing, I’m going to have a good retirement, but it’s no accident. Why should frugal self-denying me give money to support the likes of her?
The moral of this story is, bad things can happen, but in her case it was her behavior BEFORE and AFTER the bad thing happened that hurt her finances and is continuing to hurt her today.
When her husband was arrested she had THREE cars and owned three time shares. (The two cars with payments have since been repossessed.)
The went on lavish vacations. She has sets of jewelry that are amazing: heavy gold and silver necklaces, earrings and bracelets. She’s a clothes horse and dresses better than I do. She pulled out a home equity loan so her (equally worthless financially) 22 year old son could have “a house of his own.” If he wants his own house, why shouldn’t he have to pay for it? He lost his job and didn’t tell her he wasn’t making payments and his house was foreclosed on.
She declared bankruptcy (of course–I found out much later this was her second time) but still continues to struggle financially. She was on the verge of losing her house again about 15 months ago but weathered that crisis, probably because she found another fool to help her, since she is incapable of helping herself.
Here’s just a sample of the behavior I’ve seen:
1. Her 26 year old, able-bodied son lives with her and does not pay rent.
2. Around the time I helped her with her mortgage payment, she had professional photographs taken of her daughter for her birthday. She explained to me that although she was in trouble, the pictures “only” cost $90.
3. She has a fancy phone and an Ipad.
4. She recently went away for the weekend with her daughter and another friend. She told me she delayed her house payment to do this but that was okay because the trip “only” cost $250. There’s no explaining to an idiot like this that WHEN YOU CAN’T MAKE YOUR HOUSE PAYMENT, YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO SPEND MONEY ON ANYTHING ELSE.
5. All the jewelry is still there of course. She told me she was going to sell it but couldn’t get what it was worth. See note above about losing your house.
6. She recently went to Ross’s and bought EIGHT dresses. She said they were deeply discounted and it “only” cost her $90. Why did she have to buy eight? Pick the one or two you like best and you’ve still spend very little money. This is how I live.
Anyway thanks for letting me rant. I’m not a generally stupid person but I did a very stupid thing giving her money. Interestingly I had another good friend who was going through a divorce who was on the verge of losing her house. I lent her $1,000 on the spot and she paid me back with interest. That is very rare.
There is no excuse for Ms. Spendthrift to be in trouble four years after this “crisis.” She has a steady salary. Unfortunately she has no desire to live on a budget and accumulate an emergency fund. She is constantly saying “every time I try to get ahead, something comes up.” Welcome to Life, Honey, that’s why smart people get an emergency fund and they don’t spend every dollar they earn.
We probably aren’t going to be friends much longer. I’ve told her the money is out of our relationship and I’m no longer a source of funds, only financial advice. Before it’s all over I predict she will lose her house. This lady is 50 years old and doesn’t have anything to show for it.
One thing I’ve learned in my 50+ years is that everyone faces the same financial issues and it’s not really all that hard: we have unlimited wants on limited budgets. I once read a survey where people of all walks of life were asked how much more money they needed. People making $15,000 a year and those making $300,000 a year all had the same answer: about 10 percent more. Pay yourself first, tame the spending beast and life is much more sane. Oh yes, and don’t help people who are idiots–put that money right back in your pocket.
Note: I’m not talking about people who have genuine hardships befall them, such as illness and death.
Thanks for listening. Glad I found this blog and I’m looking forward being a regular.
Welcome aboard, Blondie! I’m glad you found me here.
And thanks for sharing your frustrating story. Feel free to rant anytime.
This is some really good advice! I’m trying to find a balance between helping people without others screwing you over. Some people just don’t understand the concept of sharing value and managing money.
Keep it up!
Solid reasoning here. I avoid sharing my financial position so I won’t be asked!
Great article! I will lend certain people money IF it is an emergency (illness, job layoff, death of breadwinner, house fire, etc.) and IF they are trying their hardest to change the situation that made them need a loan.
But the deadbeat thing sounds like my housemate’s brother. He is almost standard retirement age and still is as financially and personally irresponsible as many teenagers. He has no savings, will receive no social security, etc..
He recently tried to guilt his brother into giving him money when his rent was overdue and he was threatened with eviction. I told his brother if he gave him one dime, I would leave and take the cat with me.
I have much better things to do with my money than support bums.
The bum finally got the cash from his soft touch sister, who fortunately is quite well off.
I do not understand why people feel the need to remodel a perfectly good, Newer kitchen or replace furniture every few years?
Is have to have leather upholstery because of dust allergies. My 1992 Ethan Allen sofa still looks fabulous. All the unfolded laundry it holds protects the leather. lol
I gave a friend money for 2 weeks. It’s been 2 years since then, she’s not answering her phone, acts as if nothing happened. So, never gonna do it again
Now I have 40 reasons to explain to those people why I am not lending them money. Letting them know these would make them see what they’re missing.
I very rarely bother to comment on articles, but this list made me laugh so hard.
I drove a 1969 Chevy (that my parents bought new) until 1999. I drove a 1996 Chevy from 1999 until 2015. The car I drive now is a 2000 Toyota Camry that I expect to drive for at least another 15 yrs.
I only get a new phone when the service provider calls me and says they no longer support my ancient phone or its no longer compatible with the new network format they’re switching to.
After evaluating myself against your list for those items that are applicable to me, I am gleefully congratulating myself. I would soooo be eligible for a loan from you – even though I don’t need one. It’s nice to know there are people who appreciate how you get to be a loaner or financially independent to begin with.
Hey … I want to congratulate you too, GM! Good job!
I swear you must have written this article about My uncle. The only thing missing was his picture. Excellent blog.
The iPhone thing doesn’t belong on the list.
So you expect someone going through financial trouble to sell their phone? That’s a crackhead move, brother. Now you’re phoneless, one step closer to homeless.
an “iPhone” isn’t a luxury item in this day and age. It’s an investment and an absolute necessity. How would one check email and get phones for job opportunities EFFICIENTLY (no free internet at a library and landlines at your grandmas house are not EFFICIENT)
It’s really quite shallow to look at a person with an expensive phone and say ‘WELL IF YOU NEED SOME MONEY WHY DON’T YOU SELL THE ONLY USEFUL POSSESSION YOU HAVE LEFT!”
Wow … Leap to conclusions much? You act as if the only phone in the world is made by Apple. There are plenty of cheap alternatives.
By the way … there was no need for your racist comment at the end — which I deleted. Super Dweeb is a perfect monicker for you.
Very Good Article on Money Saving !!!
Er … this article didn’t have anything to do with saving money, Phillip.
It does if they’re the deadbeats that won’t pay it back. lol
This list is terrible and condescending. Have some perspective. Anyone pandering with this crap to get clicks is much more of a deadbeat than anyone I know who might need a couple bucks from time to time. You also are largely just confusing deadbeats with people who have a lot of privilege, which displays both your lack of wit and your laziness.
No need to throw unfounded accusations at me simply because you can’t handle the message, Joe.
No, I am not confusing deadbeats with people of privilege. There are plenty of folks out there who live far beyond their means, spending money they don’t have and buying expensive toys even though they can barely make ends meet. This article is targeted directly at them.
Hear is a very nice response from my mother in law and I would use it myself if a friend was ever in serious trouble and asked for money loan:
“I do not have the amount you are asking me to loan, but I feel really bad for your situation and would like to help. Here is $500 as a gift which you never have to return.
Sometimes people do have bad situations and sometimes you want to help, but loaning money is never a good idea. Just give what you can and that is all.”
It is true, when expenditure is higher than income. then it causes to lend money. the best way to cut down the unnecessary expenses and live happily.
My favorite is #41! Long ago when I was in my mid-20’s making low money but living the principle of #41, I loaned a friend rent money. The first time she paid it back but the second time she did not. It was almost $400 which was a huge amount for me not to get back at the time. Course her asking the 2nd time should have been my red flag. No idea why but she felt entitled that she did not have to pay me back. Ended the friendship and I was angry for years whenever I thought of it.
Recently over this past year, I’ve given small amounts at paycheck time to two people to help them out. The difference is they were prepared but treating Cancer and have a 1 person business will run through even a good emergency fund. I give a small gift of money when I can and even though the offer of service is there, I do not want it. These two people did what they could to prepare for their future. Sometimes Life kicks us in the teeth no matter how well prepared.
Good for you, Debbie! Thanks for sharing your story.
I dont know when this was posted so I maybe late to the conversation but : great article! Love it. I know a lot of people who should read this whether they are attempting to borrow money or not. I know so many people who cry poverty and blame others and then you find out their impulsive financial behaviors and priorities and youre in shock at the inability to make sacrifices and live frugally (and more logically!) I know of one family friend who will relentlessly push others to buy into her pyramid schemes while crying if no one buys her products her child will starve – and 2 weeks later she is buying a $600 show dog she doesnt need (and that she will later surrender back to the breeder because she never bothered to train it and it was too high maintenance. Just like the purebred dog before that one!) She will cry she is broke but not give up her weekly massage and facial. As far as I know she will not ask for large loans but has been lent money spur of the moment and then had trouble paying it back. Worst of all is being asked not to cash a check over and over because of other (frivolous!!) debts and obligations she incurred AFTER she accepted money from you! With words like well I have a retreat vacation coming up and so-n-so paid the reservation in advance so it would be wrong of me not to pay her off before you after all shes done. As the person hearing this (not me!) is the FIRST debt incurred, how rude and thoughtless is this to have to listen too? Its basically saying You were kind enough to lend me money but its not a priority to pay you back- the next person is, even if your debt is older. That is how you rate. Not to mention all the times she brags she makes good money. She has also blazed through several substantial inheritances from various relatives. Nothing to show for it and never saved any of it for her sons college. It all went to her travels and get rich quick schemes and to clean up her poor financial decisions. (This is the kind of person who would spend money on a pyramid scheme that promises she can win translation: the privelidge to lease! a Mercedes if her sales reach a certain level and are maintained when infact, she could have leased or bought a Mercedes on her own and wasted less money out of pocket on product /inventory she is never gonna be able to sell. She recently lost her job and while it seems to have been an unfair occurrence and not related to this behavior… I would still not lend her money as she has no clue how to manage it or how to make true sacrifices. I mean, why should I pay for her weekly massage when I do without them? I have a bad back and its my money.
I have more friends and more stories like this! Including my own father – whose own behavior had a lot in common with the above behavior! (He sucked the life out of me financially before id even graduated high school and left me high and dry!) There are a ton of clueless selfish people out there with a bizarre sense of entitlement and no sense of accountability! And I have spent a LIFETIME among them and been affected by their behavior and not pleasantly either! As long as no one asks to borrow from me they can live as they always have if they can find a way to do it. But I am in the process of finally reaching a more comfortable state myself, passed 60, about to acquire a modest nest egg and life style I worked hard for, for over 3 decades. I wont be wealthy just a tad better off and I know how to tighten the belt. This is MY time, so no one better ask as I will not be manipulated and guilt tripped. Ive watched some of these people travel the world, indulging every whim. (One even told me, I dont do poor! While I myself struggled. Another likes to say shes on an amazing journey! That others often foot the bill for!) Two of these people made triple the salary I did – and each at some point has had to declare bankruptcy which I never have.
I will say this: I had my bad behaviors too in the past and twice took longer to pay back a close relative who was the soul of patience. But they were ultimately paid back each time with me acknowledging I should have taken care of it sooner. (If that person ever needs my help im there for them!) I also had one period with super bad debt where I did without a car for over 2 years while I paid down the other debt. I didnt ask for help, I took mass transit and brown bagged it. Its called accountability. The difference between me and some of these others: I have a memory, and a conscience that wont let me slack off in the long haul.
Copying your points and keeping them handy. Thanks for saying it so well. I have so many more stories but this is long enough! There are worthy causes out there but I can never get over the number of people who live for themselves and then have no shame in tapping the shoulder of a friend. Like something is OWED them! Grow up!
Thanks for sharing, D! Enjoy your retirement.
Legit reasons you have got up there.
I once had a relationship with a lady who needed my friendship more than I needed hers. She knew I was going to the store to buy something for myself and asked me if I could pick something up for her and she would pay me back for it. I said okay and did so but it took me over a month to get back my money. It was not a lot of money but it was the principle. I feel she did not intend to pay me back at all.
After that, I was going to the store to buy something for myself and told her that I would pick up some but I expect her to pay me back her next payday. I did and it now has been over 3 months and she has never paid me back. Again it is not a lot of money but it is the principle.
She has sent me a little card on Facebook about what a friend is. Isn’t it funny how she completely ignores the fact that if you are really friends, you would never expect your friend to pay for anything for you and never pay them back, especially because you are working and your husband gets a disability check from the government for PTSD he got in the military and the person buying it for you makes way less money each month than both of you put together?
She can spend more money than she should on eating out but she cannot even pay her debts back. After I did this I found out that she was behind in her rent and was trying to get caught up. Had I known that in the first place I never would had bought it for her because the handwriting would have been on the wall.
All I can say is live and learn. I know I will not make that mistake ever again. I will not believe someone who calls themself my friend unless I see they really are a friend.
I’m sorry to hear that, Barbara. Next time she asks you for more cash, give her a copy of this article instead and circle all of the reasons that apply to her.
How do u get over a nice in law who borrows money and doesn’t pay it back? I felt bad for her but she has no respect for me and it hurts my self esteem. I’m a good person but when I am treated this way I feel that the trust be something wrong with me that they have so little regard for me.
You are not the issue here, and shouldn’t take it as a slam on you. Respect yourself, and put the shame where it belongs. This person has shown you who they are…. believe them. A nice person wouldn’t treat you this way.
Thanks for this post. I have lent out money so many times and have not received them back. It drives me crazy!
Thank you for this list, Len! I have added 5 more to it and am still coming up with more as they come.
Happy New Year,
I would like to share the story of how I got a loan to increase my ailing business, a few months ago my business was really struggling and I needed urgent financing to increase my business, the interest on bank loans was too high so i decided to try a private lending company and contact them for a loan. after meeting all requirements and obligations my $175,000 loan was credited to my bank account within 72 hours.
Alvin
I can say “No” like a hung record. I can say NO to relatives, friends, anyone. If someone is truly in need, and I can help, I will do it privately. I won’t be used though.
Them: “I need to borrow X. If you are my friend, you’ll help me”.
Me: “You might as well find out now, that I don’t like you, and I am not your friend. We can quit wasting time pretending.”.
I must say you are really a smart guy. Lot of study about this.
When I was young, I lived for a few years on a Native American reservation. Everyone there was dirt-poor and always in need of money, but the people taught me a valuable principle.
When someone asks to borrow money, give it if you can afford it, but as a gift, not a loan. Then you don’t have to stress about getting it back, and that person doesn’t have to stress about repaying it. It’s much healthier.
I have read #36 before – one of my favorites… But prepare to lose a friend, however realize if you do, they were never really your friend anyway.