Every year, PNC announces their Christmas Price Index that measures the cost of every item mentioned in “The 12 Days of Christmas.”
In 2010, if you were to buy your true love every item mentioned in in the final verse of the song, it would cost you $23,439. Then again, if you were really into the Christmas spirit and decided to buy all 364 items mentioned in the entire song, you’d be out a cool $96,824.
I’m sorry, but ten lords-a-leaping and eleven pipers piping aren’t my concepts of great gift ideas.
I mean really. Woe to the husband who lovingly awakens his wife on Christmas morning and tells her to look out the window. I guarantee you that if she saw ten middle-aged balding guys in skin-tight leotards jumping around and performing Swan Lake in her driveway you’d soon be out there with them, and hopelessly locked out of the house — regardless of how well the pipers were piping.
“The 12 Days of Christmas” goes back to at least the late 1700s. The thing is, this is the 21st century, folks. Driveways are meant for presumptuous gifts like luxury automobiles with gaudy giant red bows — not a bunch of union dancers from the American Guild of Musical Artists.
Let’s look at the approximate per unit cost for each of these gifts:
Partridge in a Pear Tree ($161)
Turtle Dove ($50)
French Hen ($50)
Calling Bird ($150)
Golden Ring ($130)
Dancing Lady ($699.33)
Leaping Lord ($476.70)
What a waste of perfectly good money. Of all those gifts, the only one that would bring a smile to the Honeybee’s face would be the golden ring. I mean, a maid-a-milking? Honestly?
Why would anybody today spend all that cash on all those other crappy gifts? Those gifts are almost as bad as fruit cake and those scratchy Christmas sweaters you get other people when you feel like putting absolutely no thought or imagination into your gift.
I’ll be honest here. The gifts in “The 12 Days of Christmas” are so bad they make me pine for Hanukkah; at least it only has eight days. Heh.
Yep. If I were going to give my true love presents for the 12 days of Christmas, and assuming I had the money to pay for it — which I don’t, but just play along — this is what I’d be giving out (based upon items of equivalent cost):
There, that’s more like it!
True, my 21st century version of “The 12 Days of Christmas” doesn’t make a very catchy tune, but it would make for a much happier Honeybee — and a happy Honeybee makes for a happy me. Believe me.
Hey, Merry Christmas, everyone!