My daughter, Nina and her friend, Ashley (c. 2012). One of the toughest family decisions many people find themselves struggling over is figuring out the right time to stop giving gifts to younger family members.
When my daughter, Nina, was still measuring her age in single-digits, I’d tuck her into bed every evening. Then, just before kissing her goodnight, I’d ask her to stop getting older.
The truth is, kids are always in a hurry to grow up.
Unlike many adults, who prefer to stop counting at 39, kids proudly embrace every new candle on their birthday cake as a badge of honor.
Why else would they typically go out of their way to volunteer that they’re not just, say, “six” — but “six-and-a-half”?
Nina officially became a teenager earlier this summer. Never mind that by fall, she was telling everybody that she was “almost 13.”
For Nina, getting to her 13th birthday was especially important. Why? Because that’s the milestone she had to reach before she could have her own Facebook account.
Of course, every kid also looks forward to their 18th birthday because that’s the day they officially become adults. Hopefully, upstanding responsible ones.
Not coincidentally, age 18 also happens to be the last time my nieces, nephews, and other close friends and family members get birthday and Christmas gifts from their Uncle Len. After that, I still mark those occasions by an appropriate Hallmark greeting card. But sans cash, gift certificates or gift cards.
If people think that makes me a penny-pinching curmudgeon, so be it.
As I see it, you have to draw the line somewhere and, frankly, I have no intention of sending a thirtysomething niece or nephew who’s earning a six-figure income a birthday card with a sawbuck in it.
Come to think of it, I see no point in sending a thirtysomething niece or nephew who’s earning almost zero income a birthday card with a sawbuck in it either.
Of course, if not handled correctly, that kind of gift policy can become an extremely delicate situation — especially when you’ve got multiple nieces and nephews still living in the same house who are on both sides of 18. That’s when things can get really … interesting.
I found that out the hard way a few years ago. The Honeybee and I ran afoul of a 19-year-old relative after she opened up her Christmas card from us and found no cash or gift card inside. Her disappointment then turned to resentment after she saw that her younger siblings still got their gifts.
What soon followed was some very, let’s just say, unseasonal holiday “greetings” sent in our direction. Over time, I think she eventually came to accept our household gift-giving policy. But not before she regretfully expressed a lot of hard feelings.
That little incident taught me the importance of giving my teenage nieces and nephews — and their parents too — a friendly reminder of my gift giving policy at least a year or two before the annual gift door closes. That way there are no surprises.
And before any of you fire off one of your own nasty-grams telling me what an inconsiderate cheapskate I am, you can rest assured that all my nieces, nephews and other close relatives will still be receiving gifts for their high school and college graduations, and their weddings and baby showers too. Assuming I get an announcement, of course.
See there?
I may be a crusty curmudgeon, but I also have a heart.
Photo Credit: Brandon Gay
(This an updated version of an article originally posted on December 10, 2012)
All of the hurt feelings could have been avoided if you’d made this “policy” clear to the rest of your family before it became an issue. I’d have been upset as a 19 year old kid, too, if I found out about your policy on the spot. A slightly larger last gift with a “this is your last one”! (written more politely) would have worked, too.
True.
At 19 your’re an adult sulking over not getting a present is childish behavior. What was he supposed to do call a meeting to tell all his nieces and nephews that the gifts would stop when turn 18. Did you ever hear the saying expect not and you shall not be disappointed?
A super tacky and immature (not to mention entitled) 19 year old will become a sad, disappointed, entitled, 30 year old loser in 11 short years. Don’t give her a second thought.
I have a related question. I’m now fortunate enough to see the next generation come along. Ie, Great nieces and nephews.
I’m somewhat torn when it comes to gift giving for them. I’m obviously not as closely connected to them. Personally I feel as this is how I would like to handle it.
Gifts for 1st birthday, milestone birthdays, graduations, wedding, etc and Christmas gifts are fine.
Other in between birthdays I feel are excessive.
Thoughts?
I think that is a very reasonable compromise, Joey.
Loved your post and the clarity of your gift-giving policy. One might add to it that generosity towards those under 18 may also come to a screeching halt in the absence of any expression of gratitude for 2-3 gifts in a row (one oversight may be forgiven).
I’m glad you enjoyed it, Diana! One of my biggest fears when writing anything is whether or not anyone will be interested in the topic I’ve chosen to write about.
I know a lot of folks who feel the same way you do about lack of gratitude. And right so. I give a lot of slack when it comes to birthday and Christmas gifts … but I have little to zero tolerance for that when it comes to weddings, graduation and shower gifts. Don’t ask me why the difference. That’s just how I feel.
I may be a little late in commenting, but when I never got so much as a thank you for generous cards and gifts at all, I stopped alltogether. Karen
It’s never late for too late to leave a comment, Karen. I think your response to the lack of a thank you is a reasonable one.
I come from a large family so we just do a draw for one person to gift each year and it’s assumed we don’t do gifts for the kids. It would lead to bleeding our bank account. This system works and is insurance no one’s feelings get hurt.
That’s what we do too, Jerry. After 18, it’s time to get into the annual family gift exchange where we draw names.
I am not yet in this situation and wont be for a while but I will definitely be keeping this in mind. It also helps that I don’t have a massive family.
I would he disappointed I didn’t received a gift but I would not have been nasty about it. Different for every person I guess.
I’m with ya, Lance. I didn’t raise a stink when my aunts and uncles stopped sending me gifts. But you’re right, I guess some kids can’t help but feel entitled to their gifts — and I blame that on the parents, who should be responsible for properly setting their kids’ expectations so they don’t feel that way. But that’s just me.
This used to be a controversial subject in my home too. The wife wanted to never stop giving gifts, but I insisted we stop the gift giving after the neices and nephews turned 18. I actually stood my ground and won that argument. Probably the only one I ever won. We’ve never had a problem after we stopped putting money in the cards. Now that I think about it, I’m kind of surprised we haven’t.
So, Bill … What’s it feel like to win an argument with the wife? I’m dying to know!
18 sounds like a pretty good policy to me – why continue to subsidize someone into their 20s? “Happy graduation! Here’s $200!”. “Oh you’re second promotion? Have $50!”. “You’re a director now? Happy birthday, here’s $100!”
On the flip side, how do you get grandparents to stop sending money (once they have decided that no age is too high)? Let’s be serious here – college marks shouldn’t receive generation skipping payments.
Hey … Do you think your grandparents will adopt me?
Why do gifts have to equal money? I’ve always found gift cards and cash a little cold as presents. It’s much more meaningful to give something that made you think of the person. My husband and I went to half-price books yesterday and got gifts for almost everyone we know for a grand total of $86. The cheapest of those was a $3 book about fairies for my cousin; the most expensive was a $9 dry-erase learning book for our young niece and nephew. We were able to get more gifts and spend less money than if we had bought gift cards–who wants a $3 gift card?
You’re right, Kelsey. It’s just so easy giving cash.
Then again, I’ve got to be honest with you. When I was a kid, a thoughtless cash gift (of any amount) almost always trumped a thoughtful tangible gift. (I said almost.)
Honestly, I prefer gift cards/cash. People /never/ manage appropriate gifts for me. It’s always something I never have a use for: another hat/scarf combo (currently I have four sets and have only used one set a grand total of 7 days in the past 4 years, despite living in a cold climate.), socks that are too thick to be comfortable at any time of the year, and let’s not talk about the offensively ugly boots that found their way to Goodwill (cat faces? REALLY?)…
I deal with four nieces/nephews on my side of family on a case by case basis: I just sent $50 to my niece who turns 21 today. She needs the cash (heading to grad school), is appreciative, has a good head on her shoulders, etc. On the other hand, my two, younger nephews I’ve cut off because they fail even to acknowledge gifts and their family is wealthy. I don’t feel any obligation to treat them equally–I don’t think equally is the same as fairly, yes?
You’re right … “fair” and “equal” are not synonymous. At least not in my world, Kurt.
But that seems to be a minority opinion these days.
You should ask her where your gift is? Now that she’s an adult she can start buying gifts for her relatives.
We don’t buy Christmas/birthday gifts for our nieces and nephews. We spoke as siblings and agreed. We still have birthday parties, but only the grandparents, and parents fork out for gifts. It’s a good system, I like it; so does my sanity as the toy room is already overflowing 🙂
Mandy … speaking with your sibs ahead of time was a smart move. It diffuses a lot of potential issues before they can crop up and cause big problems. Good job!
My first husband and I both came from large families (I was one of 8 kids, and my ex was one of 7) and most of those siblings had two or three kids so Christmas for us was a stressful, account-draining event. After a couple of Christmases went by, we realized we simply couldn’t afford to buy for all those people. We decided that we’d buy for the kids until they were 13 yrs old and we’d take a basket of homemade baked goods to each house as our Christmas present to the family. We let everyone know when we made the decision (well in advance of the holiday) and then we gently reminded each youngster when they turned 13 that they were no longer on the rolls. Each year, our Christmas-buying list got shorter and shorter until we were finally left with taking the big basket of baked goods to each house. It’s a tradition I’ve continued with my second husband. We don’t buy gifts; I spend the first three weeks of December in the kitchen.
I think that is an awesome tradition, Allyn. Who doesn’t like fresh baked cookies and pumpkin or banana bread during the holidays? Fudge too! My mouth is watering just thinking about all those goodies. mmmm mmmmm!
When you have lots of brothers and sisters who have families with several kids each, the annual gift expenditures can really add up.
Thanks! I am one of 7 kids and have 9 nieces/nephews. It adds up! Unfortunately, I don’t always get thanked either. I liked your idea of stopping gifts at age 13, giving fair notice, and homemade gifts for the family. I may just copy you! Thanks again.
I don’t blame you at all. You have to draw the line somewhere. People will get over it.
When I was growing up, my sisters and I each received a gift from our godparents. We didn’t get anything from any other aunt or uncle (and we had MANY). I now have 11 nieces and nephews. I used to buy them each a birthday gift and a Christmas gift. A couple years ago I finally gave up trying to keep track of all their birthdays, and bought them each 2 gifts at Christmas time. Last year I didn’t have money for 2 gifts each, so they each got one for Christmas. That’s how I’m leaving it for now. My oldest nephew is 24 and there are 2 more that’ve passed the 18 mark, but I think my cut-off point will be when they move out of their parents’ houses. I’m ok with this because I don’t have any kids of my own, and I enjoy shopping for them. (I also used my credit card points for the gift cards I got the oldest ones, so there was no actual out-of-pocket money there 🙂
“I also used my credit card points for the gift cards I got the oldest ones, so there was no actual out-of-pocket money there.”
That is a clever idea, Lola. Good thinking! I might have to borrow that one.
This is PERFECT! It’s just what I was looking for–an idea of what age is the cutoff. Age 18 is ideal. Like you did, I currently have one niece over 18 and two under 18 living in the same house. I plan to say that this is the last year the 18-year-old will get cash. Always enjoy reading your articles, Len, even that political one weeks ago that drew some heat. I may not have agreed with you 100% on everything, but it’s your blog, so you’re entitled to write whatever you want. You also provide sound financial advice, so if people wanted to quit reading because of that, then I guess they don’t want your $$ advice. Oh well. Keep up the good writing–I learn a lot!
“Always enjoy reading your articles, Len, even that political one weeks ago that drew some heat.”
I’m still trying to forget that one, Matt. Thanks a lot for reopening that wound for me.
Seriously, though, I’m glad you found this piece helpful.
This is great Len. And no, you’re not a cheapscroogemiserass turning Christmas trees upside down or peeing on other’s yule. My policy is that when the last one is out of the house, I’m done. I’ve been lucky though–they all HAVE gone off to college and not one of them has “squatted” at the ‘rents. One of two more to go so only 2 left getting the big bucks (I’m generous to a fault).
Thanks, Kim. And I’m especially glad you don’t think I am a “cheapscroogemiserass.”
The policy is good. I just think some advance warning may have been in order. My in-laws have policy that all their grandkids get gifts until they turn 18 or finish high school. At that point they go into a drawing, along with the grown-ups. But you are always reminded (and kidded!) when your last one comes around.
A good idea really – we only give to our immediate family anyway, as Maria has posted recently. There is so much commercialisation of Christmas that it takes away the fun. But perhaps, if adopting your sensible standard of stopping at 18 (and forewarning at 17), you should point out that they received gifts when they were 0, 1, 2 etc which their younger siblings didn’t!
Of course really clever young people would start counting their age in hexadecimal for presents and binary when they wanted to appear grown up! A friend sent birthday cards for our son when young when he was 1, 10, 11, 100. I sent him one for his 46th birthday a few years ago!
We stopped sending Christmas cards some years ago now but still seem to get the same number! It’s an experiment really and we conclude that (a) some people want to send Xmas cards anyway for religious reasons (although I wish they would then buy them in charity shops), (b) other people just don’t notice and (c) while we lose a few each year, we gain a few hopefuls as well!
Christmas here is made by the carol singing around the neighbouring two streets on Christmas Eve, come rain, snow, wind or whatever. Minced pies, mulled wine. Lovely.
Len: This is EXACTLY my same policy. Good to know that I am not the only one out there.
We do this with my family. Its tradition that once you graduate high school, you are able to find a job and you get included in the Adult Secret Santa Gift exchange. It has been fun this way and a great way to welcome new grads into the adult section of the dinner table 🙂
I enjoyed this timely topic and the comments. My close friend has college kids 21 and 25. I have known the parents before the kids were born. I always gave cash as X’mas gifts because it was most practical. Now I am really have a hard time deciding when to cut this off. Maybe when they graduate from college. The college graduation money gift will be the last one.
Mr. Penzo, I really enjoyed your blog, my question/dilemma is that I have 12 nieces and nephews ages 2yrs to 16yrs old. I am known as the aunt that ALWAYS give everyone of them something for Christmas, this year due to cash being short — I’ve come up with the idea to give each one a card with a single gold dollar(for collecting) inside. My question is… would this come across as me being a cheap skate or not? Thank you in advance for your input!
You know what, Tamekia? Don’t you worry one bit about whether or not that makes you look cheap. You’re not cheap. In fact, you are being very thoughtful. I think it is a great idea — I used to give my kids “gold” Sacajawea dollars for their teeth (from the tooth fairy, of course). They loved them!
Furthermore, it shouldn’t matter to any child or teenager who has been properly raised by their parents to understand that they are: 1) not entitled to gifts from their relatives (or anyone else for that matter); and 2) the value of the gift is not measured by its price tag.
Hopefully, they have been raised that way — but if not, then it will become a teachable moment for them. (Just as it was with my 19-year-old relative.)
Give gifts through their 18th birthday and no more unless it is something you feel you truly enjoy doing. After the 18th birthday it stops from me. And, I do not give advance warning after all it is a gift and not something one is entitled to. Writing a letter giving advance notice of your intent to stop gift giving is very awkward and likely to draw some resentment. I would let the parent know informally that you intend to stop gift giving to their children after the 18th birthday and they can tell their kid if the kid even really cares or not.
Sadly I have had several friendships ruined on the expectation of gifts. I have been accosted for not spending enough on gifts by both friends and family. Scenarios such as “Our daughter’s wedding cost $200 a head, so you you and your wife should have bought at least a $400 gift since you both came and enjoyed it,” or flat out saying “Since in addition to a shower gift we gave your son a large check at his baptism, you can just buy us a super nice baby-shower gift from this list since we don’t plan on baptizing our baby.”
I’m sorry, I thought you wanted me at the wedding for the pleasure of my company, not the gift. Nothing says you needed to spend $200 a head anyways. I was married in a church gym with a cake from Publix and a bbq caterer, so I could afford as a young man to invite everyone I wanted without breaking the bank. If the right gift was more important, don’t invite me, save the catering cost and buy what you want for your daughter. I am sorry I did not budget in $400 for a gift on top of my plane tickets and hotel costs. I could have sent you $400 cash, stayed home, and we both would have saved money.
Likewise I invited you to my son’s baptism for the pleasure of your company and to join us on a celebratory day. Thank you for the gift for my son, but I thought that was of your own choice and generosity, not a quid-pro-quo for any future children you might have. I will buy you the gift you want, but understand that maybe we don’t need to attend each other’s events in the future, we’ll just go shopping on our own and it will work out to be the same thing.
I find it sad that people have taken what was once considered good manners (“bring a token gift to such-&-such events if finances allow”) and turned it into expectation (“Should we invite them? May as well…it’ll be another gift “)
As for my nieces and nephews regular birthday gifts stop at 12 years. After that they are no longer children and should learn to appreciate the thoughtfulness of a phone call or a card. This is not to say they never get a gift from me again, but rather, “Here is a high end gift every other year or so when I am in town” vs “here is something at every holiday.”
Same with the events I alluded to above. It’s not that I don’t plan to give what I believe is appropriate for the occasion and the relationship, it’s just that I don’t if your only concern is strong-arming me into bringing a pricey enough gift for your taste, please just leave me out of your event.
Couldn’t agree more, Earl. I too have had people (attempt to) guilt me into upgrading to a more lavish gift. Like you implied, I do not live just down the road from all my friends and family. For me to show up to an occasion in my hometown such as a shower, wedding, or anniversary party I need a plane ticket and possibly a hotel (if it’s not convenient for me to stay with family). I have made the mistake I guess of assuming that my traveling half-way across the country was in essence my “gift.” I don’t have a huge budget, but usually try to bring some sort of small token in addition (such as a decent bottle of wine, a specialty snack treat that I know the honoree likes, or some such) thinking it was the thought that counts. More than once I too have been told “It cost us X dollars for you to attend this party, so we were insulted that you only gave us a $20 bottle of Shiraz.” Ne’er do they stop to think that it cost me a plane ticket, food and accommodations for a weekend or so, a rental car or cab costs, and possibly several of my vacation days from work because I thought they genuinely wanted me there. Over time I’ve come to learn who really treasures my being at there, and who is looking to show off with a snooty affair yet wants it subsidized by fancy “gifts” from their “guests.”
As for the nieces and nephews, as Mandy said above when the first of my sisters had the first child among us we all agreed no Christmas or birthday presents from the aunts. When I come to visit I usually try to make a small treat for my nieces and nephews, but more in terms of a fun time together. For example Aunt Am might treat the kids to a trip to Chuck-e-Cheese or rollerskating or something. I’d like to think that years from now when they’re grown they’ll appreciate remembering that I always tried to take them fun places when we were together more than if I bought them all some toy that will be long forgotten in a matter of months.
I too wish the culture of giving so many gifts at so many occasions would go away. But let me say it is because feelings can be hurt too when some people do seem be cheapskates when it’s their turn to give. I don’t presume to know the above posters situations and aren’t saying they’re wrong, but some people are more than happy to take generous gifts from you but tighten their wallets when it calls for them to give a gift.
Example: There was a period when in three years some neighbors and good friends of ours had three kids graduate high school and one get married. We received generic announcements each time and were invited to fancy graduation parties where we were expected to pay for our own dinners. Each time we were happy to give a check for $100 to the graduate. The wedding was held about 100 mi away at a fancy hotel, and even though we had never met the daughter getting married at that point we were invited, considered the family good friends, so we paid to go and stay, and gave a nice kitchen set to the bride.
Then it was our son’s turn to graduate. He sent out graduation announcements but we said he had to include a personalized note of his plans for school and the future with each (and he must send thank yous for any gifts he got). We held a party for him, mostly for his friends but some of friends and neighbors too, and we picked up the tab. Our friends gave him and unsigned graduation card with a $15 itunes gift card inside. We were fairly offended. If it was a matter of not having extra money it certainly wouldn’t have mattered, but we knew they ate out at nice restaurants routinely, took nice vacations, and lived a higher end lifestyle. I’m not saying they needed to go back and calculate what we gave their kids and match it, but they were definitely rude for expecting us to give to all of their kids and then they go comparatively so cheap to ours. Eventually we decided to just let it go cause aside from that incident they were and are good friends, but we had hurt feelings for some time.
Presents should go away for everyone other than the closest people in your life for only the biggest events.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but your hurt feelings are your own fault. You should have given the gifts purely out of what you wanted to give and never expected any gift back in return. That’s why it’s called a gift and not a trade. Maybe if they gave big gifts to everyone who sends them announcements they couldn’t afford do their vacations and restaurants. It’s up to them to give what they want. You should have been grateful for what they did give because they didn’t even have to do that.
No they didn’t HAVE to give anything. but they were more than ok with taking nice gifts from us. And I mean it wasn’t to put money in our pocket but it was for our son. We were always generous with their children. If they didn’t feel comfortable with the amounts and a reasonable expectation that in turn they would be generous to our son they could have said, “Thanks, but that’s probably too much,” after the first or second time we gave. Since they didn’t they could have given a a nice gift with zero impact on them in real terms with only giving up one nice dinner out.
Like I said I wouldn’t even expect them to go back and say, “Oh we owe them like $500 worth” or even, “Oh, they gave our kids $100 each at graduation, so we owe $100.” But a $15 gift card after taking our gifts without saying anything? That’s just being cheap.
YOUR STILL NOT GETTING THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD “GIFT”!!! ITS EVERYONES PERSONAL CHOICE!!!
YOU’RE (as in “you are”) stilling missing the point of reasonable social expectation. IT’S (as in “it is”) not unreasonable to expect that if you accept nice presents routinely at your occasions you will give a relatively comparable present to that person when IT’S their turn (not “they’re” turn, just so you know) if you have the means. IT’S called common courtesy and manners. If you don’t want to be expected to give a nice gift at times to someone don’t accept generous ones to begin with. At least not repeatedly without at least saying that something along the lines of, “Oh thank you, but YOU’RE being too generous and I’m a little uncomfortable with it,” so everyone knows where you stand.
YOU’RE being rude by acting superior just because you pay more attention to typos on internet posts then me. But more to the point the problem is as I originally posted the expectation of gifts at all. It’s nice, but should never be expected in any instance. Only give a gift if you want to and never expect anything in return. Otherwise it takes the entire point of giving the gift out of kindness away.
I’m agreeing with you, Florida Guy.
Your friends are a disappointment. The attitude behind the gift is more important than the gift itself. What their gift to your son was that, after all the generosity you showed toward their kids, they just couldn’t be bothered to be nice to your son on his big day. They didn’t mind taking your gifts, and they should have reciprocated.
You’re right. We live in a society with customs, and when someone doesn’t observe them, it says a lot about them.
So you think that when someone gives you a gift you should immediately begin planning on when you will have to “owe them back”? I think it would be more insulting to tell someone you don’t want their gift THAN 😉 to assume they genuinely gave it because they wanted to and not out of obligation. I would be more hurt if someone thought I only gave them something because I thought I was supposed to and not because I just wanted to do something nice. Expecting gifts will only go away when we all just stop expecting gifts.
Don’t worry about it, Florida Guy. You will get nice gifts for your kid(s) again, and they may not always be from the people you expect!
This article has really touched a nerve because I’ve kind of been at both sides of the fence.
Eg. When I was at college and on zero income (student loans just about covered the rent, I basically lived off baked beans & had to walk everywhere because I couldn’t afford public transport, nevermind study books) some of my family were really offended when I didn’t give gifts at their weddings & birth of babies etc. Now I feel bad about it because I think surely I could have bought something inexpensive, but at the time, I felt that I was between a rock and a hard place.
On the other hand, I give very regularly to nieces and nephews (birthdays, christmas and lots of unexpected pressies as and when I feel like it) but yet my child has never received anything from them. (He is nearly eight.)
As much as I am trying to tell myself not to get upset or bitter about it, I can not help but feel a little hurt for my son… but I am not sure what to do.
Lizzie you remind me of my wife she’s from a big family and has lots of nieces and nephews, many of which are her God children. The trouble is they are in their 30’s now and she still gives them generous cash gifts even those that are not her her God children. Her sisters and brother in laws are all party mad and they get cash gifts for their decade birthdays. The thing is when the tables turn the gifts are very stingy indeed, even though I couldn’t care about parties and presents as they are tacky in my view. Trying to get my wife to see sense is impossible.
Lizzie, if you regularly give gifts to nieces and nephews, your family should be reciprocating toward your son. There are several of them, but only one of him.
Cut out the family gifts. I shopped tirelessly for thoughtful, expensive gifts for nieces and nephews. The gifts they gave after our kids were born were anything but nice. After a few years of giving to nieces and nephews and seeing my children being given junk (things marked “irregular,” cheap toys, shopworn stuffed animals) wrapped up as gifts, that was the end of gift giving.
Funny, but those same nieces and nephews who got lovely gifts but ignored us for years are now bombarding us with baby announcements. They’re not getting gifts.
I have a nephew and two nieces and my mom will get upset if me or my sister don’t get them gifts for their birthdays or for Christmas (these are my older brother’s kids, by the way). They are ages 17, 14 and 10, and my brother never asks us to buy his kids anything, but my mom is all about gift-giving; she gets mad if she doesn’t get anything for her birthday or Mother’s Day also . I don’t know what her problem is. She also feels like these kids are entitled and they should get gifts from me and my sister EVERY YEAR!
I guess she assumes because my sister and I are single and childless that we just automatically have money to buy my brother’s kids gifts! I had to put my foot down about it because my mom was actually demanding it and if we don’t do it she gets upset!
Sometimes I wonder if me and my sister have children would our kids get the same treatment that my brother’s kids get; it’s really sad!
My daughter who just turned 12 has an aunt who lives in town. She stopped by our house to wish a happy B-Day to her niece. Her only gift to her was a card. We spend hours of our family time helping her with health issues, driving back and forth to attend to her every need. Is it really appropriate that an aunt does not gift her niece? At Christmas, we had her over for a nice meal, bought her gifts. She told us she does not “do Christmas” to explain why she came emprty handed. For our daughter’s fist communinion, she accepted our invitation and only attended the nice meal, not the first communion ceremony, and brought no gift. I am puzzled. Please help.
Don’t be puzzled. Your aunt is never going to give a gift. She does not recognize that your kindness to her merits some recognition in return. She is so used to taking she expects what you do for her. Either make peace with her cheap ways or don’t invite her. If after all your trouble for her all year long, if she doesn’t “do Christmas” let her stay home and watch television.
We had someone like that among our family circle. When a three year old saw the aunt opening the gifts she was given, the child innocently blurted out “where’s mine from you?” She told the toddler he was rude. The child would have been happy with a coloring book and crayons, but she just wouldn’t be bothered.
I liked your article. We have never given any gifts to nieces/nephews – we even missed their graduations (oops). We do a cookie exchange at christmas now so the kids can help with that and contribute to the gifts and there is really not much pressure and you don’t have to think too hard – you can even just buy some if you can’t bake.
I just loved all these other comments and ideas too.
Thanks for the article. I like your idea of an age cut-off.
I stopped giving to my husband’s side of the family for birthdays because my husband asked me to stop. Our kids weren’t getting anything, not even a phone call.
I did plan on giving oldest nephew money when he graduated high school. He contacted me a week & 2 days before to get our address. (We’ve lived in the same spot for 20+ years. Since he’s young, he probably doesn’t understand you can google this kind of info.) So, we waited for invite. Never rec’d. Finally a couple of days after graduation, I sent an e-mail to ask why he needed address. Come to find out he did have an invitation for us but his mom never sent it. While I do feel it shouldn’t have been his mom’s responsibility, it does piss me off. She didn’t mail about 5 or 6 until about a week later. We rec’d ours a week & a half after the graduation. I did not send money. I feel if we weren’t important enough for a call, e-mail, or mail, we weren’t going to shell out money.
His dad did see my husband at the grocery store & told him we were invited a few days before. Now, if he had called us or hunted us down, we’d have accepted that. But, to happen to run into my husband (almost never happens) and ask him if we rec’d invite just doesn’t seem like an invitation. He didn’t even get the nephew to call us after he knew we didn’t receive it. I just didn’t feel the love so I didn’t feel the need to honor the day w/ $. Hope I wasn’t being too harsh.
I am right in the midst of sending my last card. Our neice turns 19 tomorrow she has a younger sister which we will continue to gift until 19 too. This subject was brought up years back with their mother however, I am sure the word was never passed on. Any ideas how I could make mention in the card that this is our last gift? We are doubling the $$ we are giving as a sort of final. I have a feeling that when this Christmas arrives and her younger sister is presented with a card $$ and she is not there will be hard feelings and questions ?? Any suggestions as to what we might add to our card would be so appreciated!
After 22 years of years of buying Christmas gifts for 11 nieces and nephews, plus the adults, and both our parents in addition, we are burnt from adding an additional $500.00 to our Holiday budget!
This is SUCH a delicate issue with me, as a GIFT is something one does not expect, or expect to be reciprocated. We’ve done this primarily out of true spirit of giving and less out of expectation.
However, this year is brings about a different circumstance. Most of the nieces and nephews are in college, and my husband and I separated, leaving a huge uncertainty as to holiday plans.
My first instinct is to set a new tradition, now that all the kids are grown, and simply send a Greeting Card. End of story. Especially since the kids are grown, and their parents have the means to provide for their every need.
Any thoughts?
I think your plan is more than reasonable, Mary.
I have 5 nieces and I have stopped gifts to the two older ones this year. They are 28 and 25 and have never once acknowledged i exist I even sent money when they went away. Not even a postcard i only saw them at a funeral in the last 10 years my grandmothers. I continue with my brothers 3 girls who age from 22 to 17 but will stop at 25 i find it awkward to stop I feel like I’m being mean. It’s not even a thank you required it’s just maybe postcard or a text or christmas card would be a gesture but never. It will hAppen to them one day. They might appreciate what they had if they get forgotten and ignored. I babysitted them all my life even on my birthday which was the same as their dad. But you have to stop somewhere my other 3 nieces are not as bad i don’t see them but they do text a thank you. It makes that small difference
My neices and nephews are lovely children. But their parents: my sibling and my cousins are the people who truly hold a special place in my heart.
So I’d rather spend on them.
A.k.
My sister-in-law’s side of the family has a nice tradition. Each household puts their name in, and the families each draw one name. So each family, no matter how many kids, buys one gift for one other family. A dollar amount is set as a guide. This way, unattached aunts and uncles who are out on their own don’t go broke buying for a million kids, and the Christmas season is a lot more enjoyable without all that shopping.
The emphasis is on giving a nice gift the family can use, or a house gift. Games, popcorn poppers, movies, tickets to an event, etc., for example, are common gifts.
I was looking for answers to the question, when to stop giving Christmas gifts to nieces and nephews? Many of them were helpful. We have 11 nieces and nephews and 1 grandson. I/we decided this year to give only to the younger 5 N/N and our grandson. The ages range from 14-3. We do not have children of our own,but, my husband has a son from another relationship. Even tho we do not have children of our own, I/we have been the “best Aunt and Uncle” there could be, and have given to all since birth–the oldest 2 are 24. Since I haven’t worked in a few years, and the family seems to get bigger and bigger, plus our one niece is getting married in Jan. and the shower is 3 days after Christmas!! we decided that concentrating on the youngest for Christmas was the best thing to do without stressing ourselves out financially. So, we hope the older ones understand, they have all reeped the benefits of bd’s,all holiday’s— just because gifts, etc (the situation was explained to their Mom’s) so, I thought that was sufficient.
I am more than interested in the topic, as I was actually searching for people in the same situation!
I do not have children of my own (so there has never been a reciprocation element). But I have faithfully given gifts to all three nephews. My sister’s son, who happens to be the oldest at 19 now and lives nearby, always calls immediately to thank me. My brother’s sons can’t be bothered to call, send a note, or even a Facebook message to acknowledge receipt. They live across the country, so it would be nice to know that the gifts have been received. On a few occasions, I’ve asked my brother weeks later if they got the gifts (hint hint), and he’s replied, “oh yeah”. Thanks to all who posted their ideas and thoughts on the matter!
Glad to help, Vicky. Thanks for stopping by!
Thank you for this interesting thread of thoughts to ponder regarding when to stop giving gifts to nephews and nieces. My husband and I have been giving gifts to our nephews all their lives, and rarely receive even an acknowledgment that they have received it. One graduated from college this year, and the other graduated from high school. The one graduation from high school isn’t going on to college. I feel now is the time to stop giving gifts, but I do not want to hurt their feelings in any way. Does anyone have ideas of a token type gift to lessen the blow of not receiving their Christmas “stipend”? Thanks!
Ever since I was a kid, we celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve, and gave each other very small, fun gifts. We have kept that tradition going over many years. My parents would still buy something for each of us (or for each couple for married siblings) even as we got older. But nothing was out of hand financially – – We kept it very reasonable. This year we are doing a Yankee Swap, keeping gifts at under $20. It’s fun, it keeps things focused less on the money aspect and more on the giving and getting together. You can’t take any of this stuff with you, as they say. It’s just stuff.
I love it, Mary! But what is a “yankee swap”?
Hi Len,
In Yankee Swap each participant brings a wrapped, unmarked gift and places it in a designated area. Guests are given numbers as they arrive, or their names are randomly drawn, and they select and unwrap gifts from the pile in that order with a twist.
The person who receives the number 1 will pick a gift (that is not their own) from the pile and open it for all to see (or models it, reads it, or demos it). During the selection of a wrapped gift, the participant may visually inspect the gifts, pick them up and/or gently shake them.
The person who receives number 2 then chooses a gift and opens it, and then must decide whether to keep it or swap it for the first players gift. Each person in order then gets to select a present, open it and decide whether to keep it or swap it for any other gift someone has already opened.
Opening of gifts and swapping takes place until all the presents have been chosen. Finally, the person who picked first gets to choose from all the gifts or keep what he/she has already received. In the end, the gift you are holding is the gift you take home.
It can be hilarious when the focus is on inexpensive funny gifts. This year, we will buy “real” gifts, which of course, can still be funny gifts. It will be the first time my side of the family does this; we have done it for years with my husband’s side and it’s a load of fun.
Deb – you might try a “consumable” gift bag if your nephews & nieces live nearby. It’s still spending a bit – but not too much – on a $1 reusable shopping bag – with a few consumable items in it. I’ve done this over the years for and I don’t spend much, and it’s a fun project that is accomplished with regular “shopping”- so no Christmas rush. A few suggestions – strange-scented soaps, mustards, jams, cookies, lens-wipes (if any wear glasses – very handy), spaghetti & sauce in jars, crackers, chips, treats,cherries in jars, weird candies, etc. Anything that can be used up and enjoyed, and it will also spark conversations about what they liked – and what they didn’t!
Great idea, Hil! Thanks for sharing your ideas.
Well-timed post! The “early warning” is a great idea! I loved getting piles of gifts from aunts, uncles and even cousins when young and I can’t remember what was said (I think they told my parents to explain to me) but it was a smooth transition to no gifts and I had no hurt feelings whatsoever.
Of course, the gift-giving will end prematurely if no Thank You (note, email, call) is made.
I actually stop giving gifts to them when they are already in high school because you know the numbers of nieces and nephews are growing so I have to draw a line to limit so that I can at least budget my money and still get good gifts.
I agree with your policy and would like to adopt it. I especially agree this year because I am in the position of the resentful one, except that I resent giving gifts that I do not feel are appreciated ( and in the past have not even been acknowledged when sent) since I could be using that money from my Christmas budget on my own kids or husband.
How do you handle the in-laws: e.g. Brother/Sister-in-law, if you would still give to the brother/sister that is related to you and the kids if they are under 18? ( apologize if this is answered in the comments, I didn’t scour too closely)
Merry Christmas, fellow practical-thinker-non-curmudgeon.
Hi Jen. I treat everybody the same. That eliminates any issues about people feeling slighted.
Weddings, baby showers, baptism, birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter, anniversaries, ad nauseam. Not just for your immediate family, but friends as well.
I don’t want gifts. I’ll settle for a phone call. If you’ve got money burning a hole in your pocket and cannot contain yourself, donate it to charity. Otherwise I’m not interested. Why must people be branded a Scrooge for not wanting to play on the materialism merry-go-round?
Great reading, I have a totally different issue. Hubby is from a large family, I was told that they only buy for their godchild, our daughter is not baptised so therefore she missed out on presents from all aunty’s and uncles on her first birthday. I also have a child from a previous relationship and hubby has been her Dad since she was 5, she is now 12 and hubby’s family have not acknowledged her this year as in previous years (MIL sent gifts and cards every year for the last 6 years). Our daughter together is 3 this year and there are presents coming from left right and centre and our 12 year old is extremely hurt and resentful about this. We send cards to all family members on both sides and hubby sticks to the godchild rule. How to handle this situation, anyone?
I have no children of my own. I spend at least a thousand dollars a year on gifts for nieces and nephews for birthdays, christmas, Easter and souvenirs when I go somewhere. I have 4 in total. One sister said that after 18 she was no longer doing parties for her son. Now this year…he turned 18 last year, I find out she is. And that in her opinion, she would still give a gift and what happens at Xmas? No gift for one? And I said that at Xmas they would all get…and this is when she said that birthdays were more special, so my take is that Im expected to give until the kid gets married…oh but she did say ever so sarcastically that I could do what I wanted. This is a sister that has never invited me over except for when I bring gifts…birthdays only. She never hosts anything unless she is getting something in return. So Im stuck here…one solution is to stop and be prepared for some big animosity thrown my way. Or my other thought is to just start slashing my 100 a gift budget in half. I get absolutely nothing and the fact that I dish out for every occasion is not noted. And yes, i have baptisms, communions, confirmations and graduations that I also have to give to. And the most ironic of of it all…this is the same sister that used to complain that her SIL has 3 kids and she had to buy her an extra gift because If it since only has 2. Yes she would complain to me…the sister who has none and buys for 4. I dont understand it. If I had a sister who had no kids and was alwyas buying for mine, I would be a little bit appreciative.
I live far away from my family and rarely visit; gift giving ended years ago but I acknowledge special occasions with cards. I informed my family last year that I planned to visit for the holidays, to which Im always invited but rarely do. I said I would pay my own airfare, rent a car, and book a hotel for the two nights Id be there. All was fine until my brother sent me his daughters Santa wishlist. Shes a 22 y/o college student living on campus and I have never given her gifts. I was offended and told my brother that I planned to give each of my brothers families a token gift everyone could enjoy – a gourmet popcorn maker. Because it was the holidays, I was visiting, etc I felt a gift was appropriate and this would be something everyone could enjoy while watching movies, games,etc. I also told my brother that no one else was getting any gifts, particularly not his daughter. He was upset, I frankly didnt care, and feel that its time he realized his daughter is a grown woman. Maybe shell always be Daddys Little Girl to him but, to me, it just isnt so. Was I off base? BTW – he returned the popcorn maker, and I cant help but wonder if he used the refund to buy something special for you-know-who. Mmmmm
I’m dealing with the same crap and have commented below.
Once you have set the expectation of a gift it’s so difficult for them to transition out of it. Conversely, it’s exceptionally odd to me that he would expect you to give any gift to her at all since you never established that pattern to begin with AND she’s 22 YEARS OLD. My parents WERE parents at that age!!! She’s WAY past an age to expect or receive gifts from not immediate family.
I have many nephews & nieces graduation open houses to attend.
I have made it clear from the beginning to my brothers & sister that we don’t give a gift, only a congratulations card for their grandchildren & not to do it for ours.
I did give a gift of money to all our nephews, & nieces, but not to their children. Most of them I wouldn’t have known if pasted on the street.
I do feel cheap for not doing so, but I have drawn the line here, so I hope I’m not looked down for not doing so.
WOW! I’m really late to respond to this but you hit the nail on the head. I no longer give anything to nieces and nephews who cannot be bothered to say thank you. As for the nieces and nephews with small kids who can’t be bothered to let us know if a) the received the gifts for the kids and/or b) thank me for them; I am also stopping that also. I am just over bad manners, period.
RIght on Len, this is brilliant. I support it all the way!
Thank you, Mike.
My granddaughter just graduated with honors from college! We as parents always were very generous with gifts for grandchildren and our own children! Since texting is excepted now instead of sending cards for our birthday etc. there are no more cards and I miss it. However my granddaughter who just graduated did not get one card or a acknowledgement from my other children. It really hurts me as a grandmother to think my kids are that cheap when they all gladly except our gifts. Am I wrong by my feelings?
No … I think you’re feeling are justified, Gladys. I would be disappointed too.
I not only get gifts for my adult nieces and nephews, but I also get gifts for their eight children. I’ve got to stop doing this as my husband and I are facing retirement and will have a limited budget. I thought about stopping it for Christmas this year, but I feel terribly guilty about it. So I guess, I’ll wait until next year. I don’t always get them birthday gifts, but occasionally I do.
Expecting the fallout any time now. My husband and I have an “after you graduate high school” cut off for nieces and nephews for Christmas and/or birthday presents. We made our policy clear and expected relatives to accept and discuss with kids. This did not happen. I guess they thought we weren’t serious? We got a call from them calling us out on it and basically coercing us into continuing to give her a gift. So, for the past 4 years we have given a small gift to the adult niece, whom we adore by the way. This year, we did not. She was out of town this year and we figured it was time to end it. We had gifts for the underaged kids and that was it. Passive aggressive? Yep. However, not nearly as rude as them demanding she still get a gift in our opinion.
The niece in question is now 25 and we feel we are treating her like the adult she is. The absolute last thing we want is for our niece to feel unloved or slighted in any way and we are getting together with her when she returns to town and will have this discussion with her directly since it appears her parents did not.
In the meantime, we are expecting her parents to either call or text about it and are certain it’s going to be an “interesting” discussion. Can’t wait for that one. Did I mention my husband and I don’t have children? Kind of makes these expectations sting a little bit more. I just don’t understand how/why someone would think this should continue indefinitely? Kids and parents need to understand that it comes to an end and these relationships transition.
I gave Christmas gifts and birthday gifts to my two nephews for years. I never got a card from them, or a call, or an email, or a little token gift, or – in some cases – not even a “thank you”. I stopped giving them gifts when they entered high school. Recently my sister told me that “Dan” was getting married. Dan – who I’ve had no communication with – didn’t tell me this, she did, informally. The wedding is to be out of state and only certain people will be attending. I didn’t send a gift, and of course, am a “bad uncle” or a “bad brother”. So tired of being giving and supportive to people who forget that I even exist.
I wouldn’t have given a gift either, Mike.
Precisely.
A very sensible idea. As the family expands it can be terribly expensive. I’ve also drawn the line especially as I am rarely thanked for my presents.
My sisters suggested we stop giving the older kids (15,14, and 13) Christmas gifts and put them in the Secret Santa we do for all of the adults. I personally think that they are still kids and should get presents until 18. After 18 I understand not giving gifts but not until then.
Holy smokes. For some commenters I have one question? How much time do you spend shopping?
I do get it, though. My sister and I are very close and we phone and talk at least twice per week and have done so for decades. Wedding gifts for her children? You bet. For every other event never happened in either direction. They are pretty well fixed and don’t need anything from us.
But we have another nephew on my wife’s side who is just starting out in life in a very pricey city. We send him $250 per month, because we want to. He is working very hard at more than one job and he can use the support and we have no doubt that one day he will succeed in life. Email transfer is a wonderful invention.
Now in my sixties I realise that most people just have too much stuff, pure and simple. We have been downsizing the last few years and you can’t even give old books away. No one wants them. Pianos are broken up and landfilled, acres of them in every city. Most of those ‘cute’ little gifts will be tossed in short order.
A suggestion, give the gift of time. A visit, shared meal, or even some tickets to an event……Just an idea.
Because you want to … That’s the key, Paul!
I am amazed that Nina is 24. Man, Len is old.
I say give them all a butter mist, and be done with it.
I have to say, having kids certainly makes time move quicker.
I don’t think anyone is an adult that does not pay their own way (rent, insurance, food, etc.). In other words I think being an adult is not based on age but is based on accepting adult responsibilities. As to gift giving I like your policy.