Let me tell you, sometimes this working-for-a-living thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been in one of those high-pressure do-or-die phases that requires me to be at the office from six in the morning to six at night. Sometimes even longer.
I’ve been away from home so much lately, the long hours have really started to take a toll on me.
Last Thursday, I came home after a particularly long and grueling day, only to be caught off-guard by the sight of a stranger who was sitting at my kitchen table, scarfing down a bowl of ice cream. Although the young man before me looked vaguely familiar, I couldn’t quite place his face. “Hi there. Have we met before?” I asked.
“Uh, it’s me, Dad — your son. Matthew. Remember?”
Apparently my teenage son had gone through puberty while I was away.
Needless to say, this past weekend I figured it would be wise to leave the office behind for a few hours and take the family out to see a movie at our local theater.
So I checked to see what was playing, but I winced at the prices: It was going to cost me $50 just to get my family of four through the door. Throw in some popcorn, drinks, and the Raisinets — I’m sorry, but a movie isn’t a movie without the Raisinets — and before you know it the price for two hours in the theater is somewhere north of $80.
So, after thinking about it, I ultimately decided to find something else to do, if only because a trip to the movie theater would undoubtedly end up giving us significantly more than we bargained for. For example:
Babies with an acute case of colic. Look, I realize babysitters are expensive, but it’s not as if there aren’t reasonable alternatives out there. For example, what’s wrong with picking up a couple of $1 movie rentals from the local Redbox kiosk, ordering a pizza for home delivery, and enjoying a picture from the comfort of your own home?
Blocked views. I’ve been told that only 5% of the American population is taller than 6′-2″. Even so, someone taller than that sits in front of me at the theater 95% of the time.
Endless trailers. The last time I was at the theater, I was “treated” to 20 minutes of trailers. It got so bad that, after approximately 18 minutes, the crowd actually started getting a little bit hostile. A few people even started throwing popcorn at the screen. I’m not kidding.
Blaring movie sound. Although I can’t prove it, I’m certain that movie theaters think that they can make any crappy movie better by simply raising the volume. Then again, maybe that’s not such a bad idea when setting the volume knob to 11 helps drown out the sound of:
Loud eaters. I’m not sure how my dog does it, but even when he eats something as innocuous a single potato chip — never mind a bowl of Alpo — everyone within a ten-foot radius is immediately immersed in a gluttonous cacophony of gastronomical sounds: biting, crunching, lip smacking, chomping, slurping, slobbering, and moaning. Theater-goers eat their popcorn the same way. At least when they’re not throwing it at the movie screen — or the backs of tall people blocking their views.
Cell phone addicts. Come on, folks. Are you really so important that you can’t become inaccessible to the world for two hours? Turn your phone off — I promise the world will still be here when the movie is over. By the way, the next theater owner who makes his place impervious to cell phone signals will become an instant billionaire. Trust me on this.
Chair kickers. I realize this is anecdotal evidence, but I’ve found that chair kickers only seem to show up for Disney and Pixar pictures. So I’ve written both companies to request they start producing more R-rated movies.
Tardy folk. After twenty-plus minutes of trailers, how is it that people still manage to come in late to a movie? The unavoidable distraction of a large group of temporally challenged oafs fumbling through the dark and trying to locate adjoining seats in a hopelessly-crowded theater is excruciatingly annoying.
Advertisements. I can overlook the blatant product placements within the movies themselves, but after paying a small fortune to get into the theater, why should we be subjected to an endless stream of commercials before the film even starts? Maybe all those fashionably-late movie goers are smarter than I thought.
Anyway, for essentially the same amount of money I would have spent at the movie theater, I ended up taking the family out for a bite to eat and then back home to watch something on Netflix and then, upon the Honeybee’s insistence, a cheesy Hallmark movie. I know.
I’d love to give you a quick movie review of that last one but, to tell you the truth, I fell asleep before it ended.
Here’s hoping I won’t be so tired next weekend.
Photo Credit: Joelk75
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(This is an updated article that was originally published on August 3, 2015.)
I don’t bother with the cinema because I can’t stand the people who play with their mobiles when they are supposed to be watching. I am hearing impaired and get a better deal waiting for the dvd and then I get teletext, much more comfy chair, full view – I am 5ft and all I want to eat with what I bought from the supermarket :-).
5 feet tall! That’s a whole half-inch taller than the Honeybee! : )
And I agree with you: the cell phone lights from texters are always very annoying.
I hate people playing with their mobiles too., especially if it is a baby’s wind up one that sings a stupid tune very loudly. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Another advantage of home viewing: the pause button. It’s nice to be able to take a bathroom break without missing your movie, or rewind a few seconds to see something again.
On the other hand, this feature can be abused too. My wife has been known to turn a 1 hour TV show into a 2+ hour viewing experience, with pauses for breaks, wanting to insert her own commentary/speculation into the middle of the action, snack breaks, if her sister calls (that can be a 30 minute halt), etc.
I’m thinking about imposing (translation: suggesting) a timeout limit, such as each person in the room at the start of the show is limited to declaring 2 timeouts. Anyone who wanders in late doesn’t get any timeouts.
Great point, DC, on the pause button. I don’t know how many times the Honeybee or I have stopped the movie to catch something we didn’t hear, or check out something we wanted to see again.
I don’t think I could handle 30 minute breaks for phone conversations though — that would kind of kill the movie for me. Good strategy to “suggest” a timeout limit. Otherwise, I’m sure you’d be sleeping on the couch long after the movie was over. LOL
Maybe the blaring speakers are meant to cover up the sounds of the loud eaters : )
Yep. That’s my hypothesis too.
These reasons are why we rarely go out to the movies even when we feel like splurging. It’s just not worth the cost the vast majority of the time. We do what you suggest for families with babies instead when we want to splurge – pizza and a redbox rental. No kids needed ; ) We can also enjoy wine or other adult beverage of choice when movie watching at home.
We do that too. As I see it, the movie theater industry needs to come up with a new innovation if they want me to become a regular customer — and 3D is not the magic ticket.
What is the last major innovation they’ve introduced to the public? Stadium seating and cup holders? When was that first implemented? 20 years ago or so? Reclining seats? Big deal. We need some real out of the box thinking if the cinema is ever to return to its former glory!
You forgot to mention the two teenagers making out in the front row! Idk about you, but i could do without that!
I thought that’s what the back row was for.
Len, I’m feeling ya…. We have cut waaaay back on movie going as the prices hit close to 10 bucks. And besides, our couch is so comfy.
Hang in there with the work thing, it’s bound to let up (I hope). Well, I’m off tomorrow to start my journey across the land to our new home : )
We have some comfy family room furniture too — couch, love seat and big over-sized stuffed chair.
Have a safe trip, Barb. Catch you on the flip side!
How could you miss the noisy talkers? If I want comments, I’ll watch Mystery Science theater 3000. jeez. All these reasons are why we don’t go out to movies anymore. It’s so much more comfortable at home.
I had the talkers, but I edited out the paragraph! (Seriously.)
And I love Mystery Science 3000!
I hear what youre saying, but the matinees havent allowed me to avoid most of those problems. Sometimes, I find it even exacerbates it! Dunno, maybe there are just more annoying people where I live. LOL
“gluttonous cacophony of gastronomical sounds” brilliant! I agree that cinemas have got outrageously expensive and actually the experience in your bog standard large commercial outlets is far from value for money. That said, on occasion I love going to smaller independent cinemas which tend to show more interesting movies.
Speaking of the experience… Some of these large cinemas try to enhance our experience by appearing very high-end with fancy-pancy architecture and haughty-totty chandeliers, fancy carpet & drapes, and even fountains in the lobby or outside the ticket booths — but in the end, they all look the same when they turn off the lights in the theater!
Len, all the more reason you should open your own movie theater as a side business! You could put a serious mark-up on some raisinets if you buy them in bulk.
Actually, I was just at a friends house who uses an HD projector to make an entire wall of their home a movie screen and it’s absolutely incredible. We watched the NBA finals and the players were life size in HD. I was shocked at the high quality and these projectors are actually reasonably priced compared to many big screen TVs.
I think I’ll pass on getting into the movie theater business, Geoff.
The A/V market is moving in leaps and bounds. My job had me working with a certain digital display company awhile back and the stuff they’ve got coming down the pike will really blow your socks off when it hits the market in a few years. The thing is, a lot of this stuff will eventually end up in people’s homes, so it’s just another reason to not go to the theater.
I have to agree with you when it comes to the trailors. I dont’ mind them normally but when a movie is supposed to start at 9pm I want it to start; not at 930 after all of the ads and trailors. Time is precious.
That it is, Miss T. That it is.
Hilarious Len, as always.
We do the movie thing now and then because it’s exciting for the kids, but it’s certainly less than when I was younger.
We always bring the following (and no movie theater I’ve ever been to searches your bags) – a few bottled waters, some snacks we either had in the house or picked up at the Wawa on the way, and a sweatshirt. We also don’t go to movies right at launch so the theaters are usually pretty empty.
Those loud chewers though? Holy crap, what’s the bag made of too? And the in-movie product placements? So shameless. I lose all respect for a movie as soon as I see it. So, I haven’t respected a movie I’ve seen in years.
LOL! You’re right, Darwin. We still take our kids too on occasion because they consider it a treat.
And I honestly don’t know why we don’t sneak snacks in ourselves — we may have to try that. My luck though, I’d be caught smuggling in the snacks by a nerd ticket-taker trying to score points with management so he could get promoted to a concession stand job. On second thought, I think I’ll just keep buying the Raisinets at the theater. ; )
I am old movies buff on TV like the movies on TCM and old shows on TV Land and “Me TV.” The newer movies have lots of computer graphics which don’t show much human mental interaction with the audience. There is no feeling in it.
I did go see Iron Man, the original. The sound was so loud I could not hear people talking, or talking on the phone.
Great post, sorry I missed it the first time.
After attending a three day convention a week ago, I took advantage of being downtown on Saturday and attended a new movie at Toronto’s Varsity VIP theatre (separated from the theatre proper by a velvet rope). For double the normal ticket price, they managed to eliminate probably only three of these annoyances, though it was a REALLY nice experience, with confy leathy reclining chairs, tables, great sound system, concierge service before the film etc. Regardless of the film, you have to be over 18 to be admitted (did not get my chair kicked once!), no ads before the movie (though the trailers were unavoidable), and the very small number of seats were meticulously placed to avoid blocked views unless Lou Ferrigno happened to attend. Luckily, the other folks there that day were quiet eaters, and had turned off their cell phones.
Leather, that is.
There is a large mega theatre, that shows 3D and IMAX by our house…. and we stopped going there because of the long lines, rude people and overpacked theatres.
Instead, if we go to a movie (have only been once since the baby was born), we go to a much smaller, tucked away theatre. Yes, the screens are smaller and there are less people. There are less employees and you frequently have to wait in a long line to buy a ticket. BUT we have seen many occasions where people have been kicked out for being loud, using their phones to much, throwing popcorn, etc etc etc…. I like that the theatre actually cares about what their viewers are saying and taking action. But instead of waiting in line to buy tickets, we prebuy online and pick up at the two kiosks. We typically do not buy snacks, maybe sneak in a bottle of water. If this theatre did not exist, we would probably watch everything on netflix 🙂
We only go to the theater for the kids. Our neighbor LOVES going to the theater, so we mostly send them along when they take their kids to something. I like movies fine, but the fuss of watching in the theater, never mind the expense, makes it pretty unappealing.
I think I’m the only one who has never really been annoyed by cell phones in the theater. What does annoy me is the 10 minutes sermon the movie theater gives about how turning off your cell phone is the morally right thing to do.
Have you tried out any of these new ‘adult’ theaters Len? (No, not that kind…) They show regular movies, but no one under 18 is allowed because they have a bar and serve drinks with your movie. While it adds costs in that way, it certainly cuts down on a lot of your other points.
Actually the theaters are supposed to reproduce the sound at a set reference level. This is a known volume level that the sound engineer uses when making the sound track for the movie. He uses that reference level as base point and adjusts the volume on the audio track so that they have full control of the audio volume range and you hear the volume as the director / sound engineer intended for it to be heard. Theaters are not supposed to adjust the volume level at all whether it is for a crowded theater with a whisper quiet romance movie or an empty theater with hard core action movie.
Great blog, Len. It’s really addicting! I’ve been on your site for more than an hour.
My brother suggested I might like your blog. He was right!
Thanks, Len!
I found your blog by mistake, while I was searching on Google for something else. Anyhow, I’d just like to say thanks for the marvelous post!
I very happily avoid all of these problems by watching movies at home and inviting friends over weekly (we have a nice setup in our finished basement). Can’t believe people keep on paying the prices they do for tickets (plus refreshments) to a sub-par experience. I’d rather watch movies well after the release and save my ticket money for live performances.
Don’t forget the commercials before the previews (trailers)!! In the old days, I would sneak in popcorn under a coat. I don’t bother doing that anymore because I watch my movies at home.
$10 for a movie around here would be an absolute steal; the average price is probably $13, and I don’t do 3d. Red box isn’t really an option, they simply don’t have the types of movies that we want to see. Three nice aspects of our preferred theater are (1) it is a very pleasant 20 minute walk from home, (2) it is right across the street from one of the better bookstores in town, and (3) they have very interesting beers that even the specialty beer pubs don’t usually carry.
Certainly if we went all the time it would add up, but it is a lot cheaper than competing forms of entertainment (eg an NHL game, live theatre, touring musicals or a concert).
Since my husband retired we go to the matinee every so often which is much cheaper! I sneak in a teeny bottle of my caffeine-free pop. My husband buys a pop and we get 2 small popcorns. I usually put a couple individually wrapped small chocolates in my purse for that sweet tooth. All in all we spend less than $20 to go. We live in a fairly small town though so prices might be a bit cheaper. Also when we go to the matinee, usually there are literally no other people there! Sometimes there will be a couple others but I guess that’s OK. We have a new theater too so it’s pretty comfortable. I guess we are lucky!
Tall people – I am about 6’5 and will never sit right in front of someone. I almost think it’s kind of rude when someone does that and there are plenty of other seats available.
Cell phone addicts – I came very close to snatching the phone out of someone’s hand that was sitting right in front of me once during a good movie. If the movie was 2 hours long, they spent about 1.5 of that looking at their phone.
Loud eaters – I am tempted to tell them I came to watch the movie, not listen to them eat.
lol! That’s a great post, Len! I enjoyed reading it.
about 6 yrs ago our local movie theater closed down. we live in a small town in the foothills outside yosemite nat’l. park. we were quite upset, as it is 50 min to the nearest theater in fresno. so, a small group of young men developed a membership system, https://movieheroes.com/, which has enabled us to see all of the blockbuster movies for as often as we want as many times as we want. for our family of three it costs us $49.95/month, so to make it pay we need to see two movies a month. not a problem, we have five screens and in the last year they have installed new seats in all the theaters, with at least one row with reclining seats. plus, they have large refillable popcorn buckets & 32 oz. soda cups that only costs us $9.95. not such a bad deal. they have since opened this system in two more small towns in the central valley.
of course we still have the issues of loud popcorn eating but they do limit upcoming movie trailers to no more than four, and cell phone users are strongly discouraged by other patrons. all in all, we think it is a win-win; it sure beats driving 50 min to see a movie.