Most married couples wouldn’t dream of living in separate houses, let alone separate states, but this situation is a reality for millions of couples. It doesn’t mean they’re unhappy. In fact, it has nothing to do with the emotional state of the relationship. Rather, some couples end up in this scenario due to work obligations – otherwise known as “commuter marriages.”
The number of dual-income households has increased over the past few decades. Of course, higher living costs often require two full-time incomes to make ends meet. While most couples are fortunate enough to find work that allows them to return to their families each night, for military couples and those who can’t find employment, working away from home may be the only option.
It’s not an ideal solution, but according to the US Census Bureau an estimated 4 million couples live apart, making commuter marriages more common than you might think. It’s a unique challenge, but there are ways to make it work. Take a look:
Keep second-home expenses as cheap as possible
Unlike couples that live together, commuting couples have double the living expenses. They often have two homes in separate states. So instead of both couples working and paying for one home, their income is split between two homes, which reduces disposable income.
It’s imperative for these couples to keep their second home expenses as cheap as possible. The person working outside the area can seek a roommate, rent a basic studio apartment, or live with relatives. Depending on his or her company, this person can look into getting a hotel room at a corporate rate to save money. Living in a hotel might be cheaper than renting an apartment since electricity, cable, Internet and water may be included at no extra charge.
Know the neighborhoods
Then again, maybe hotel living isn’t right for you. If you decide to room with someone or rent a small apartment, make sure you familiarize yourself with the area before signing a lease. This is especially important if you’re working in a large city, which typically has a higher crime rate than rural or suburban areas. Speak with coworkers or your employer for advice, or contact the police department and inquire about crime rates in local neighborhoods. Drive around prospective neighborhoods in the evenings and on the weekend to can get a feel for the area when most of the residents are home. Does the neighborhood appear safe? Is it quiet? Are there any creepers peeking in windows?
Reduce travel expenses
Naturally, you’ll want to come home as often as possible, but frequent travel can get expensive quick. To help reduce commuting expenses, apply for a travel rewards credit card and use this card for most purchases throughout the month. You can accumulate travel miles or points quicker, which you can redeem for discounts on car rentals or airline tickets. Just remember that you’ll need to pay off this card every month to avoid debt.
Also, let your employer know the situation before accepting a position. Maybe you can negotiate a semi-telecommute schedule, or a schedule where you work 12-hour days, three days a week. This way, you’ll have two days off each week, and you can spend four days with your family. If you’re working in a larger city, you might find cheaper airline tickets at smaller airports within an hour drive.
Save on cellular phone service
Shop around for the best mobile phone deals. And don’t forget to take advantage of FaceTime and Skype, which is perfect if your children have an event, or if you need to hold a family meeting while you’re away. It’s a great resource just to say hello and feel connected too. If you can’t be physically present each day, at least you can stay involved from a distance.
Register your car and insurance
You may feel like a temporary resident in the state. You may even think it’s unnecessary to register your car or buy auto insurance there. But if you’re temporarily working out-of-state for a year or less, you’re considered a resident of the state if you’re employed, renting an apartment, or living in the state for more than a couple of months. Some states will require that you register your car within 90 days of establishing residency. Some insurance companies also require that you obtain insurance in the state. Of course, each situation is unique. So be sure to speak with your insurance company and the state’s DMV for the most up-to-date regulations.
Are you in a commuter marriage? How do you make it work? I’d love to hear some of your tips and gripes in the comments below.
Photo Credit: GE0pdx
Until recently, my wife and I had endured a commuting marriage that started way back in 2007.
We had lived in Reno, NV for decades when we moved to Dallas, TX in 2005 as a promotion in my career. Turned out to be a big lifestyle mistake for us. We just did not like living in the Dallas area.
In 2007, we had to make a brief trip back to Reno due to a death in the family. It was obvious that my wife was glad to be back home. So we decided to have her explore getting her old job back in Reno, having her live in Reno and I would commute (since I had the accrued employer provided benefits of vacation and holiday pay).
So for years, I would fly Southwest by leaving Dallas on Thursdays and returning on Tuesdays (six days away, used four days vacation pay). I would do this about every six weeks or so (plus I was able to get a few business trips back to Reno so no expenses there for me.)
These are a just a few points about two households:
1) We used a Southwest Visa for all credit card purchases (paid the balance in full at the end of each month) to accumulate flying miles. I probably earned two or three free trips and several reduced fare trips this way.
2) I used The Parking Spot parking lot at Love Field and participated in their parking club where I earned points and used them for free parking during some of my trips. (I was usually able to get about 10 days off at Xmas and used the points for free parking during these longer trips.)
3) You have to have something to keep yourselves busy. I spent my free time at home updating and painting the house and then moved on to upgrading the landscaping.
4) One person kept the household budget (myself). Each week, my wife would e-mail her purchases by check or credit card. Each month, I would e-mail her our balances for checking, savings, mortgage, 401k/IRA, etc.
5) Be realistic about expenses and income. Regardless of one to two households to maintain, we made sure that we paid ourselves first with 401k deductions and savings deposits.
Cut expenses where you can and no expense is too small.
6) When it was just me in the larger house in Dallas, I even cut the garbage bill down by $5 a month by switching to a smaller trash receptacle.
7) There are many activities to do for free: my wife would go on day hikes in the nearby Sierras and I went on long jogs (then I was too tired to spend money on anything).
But a significant point to remember in all of this is that at some point in time, the need to commute or maintain two households will end. It could be based on planning, or it could be based on unexpected circumstances. The entire time that we were doing this, I fully expected that I would get laid off from my position (and that was the motivation for our two household expense control).
You must always have a contingency plan. That was why I was working on the upgrading the house and the landscaping in case we needed to sell the house in a hurry.
As it turned out, I was one of many people the company offered early retirement (i.e. if I didn’t take this, I would be laid-off). So I took the early retirement. We put the Dallas house on the market soon after and it sold in just a few days (scramble!!! it was a fast close; had to get movers to put items in storage; find temporary housing in Dallas).
I think that this entire episode reinforced the adage of success is when planning meets opportunity.
Wow, those are some great tips buried in there, John! Thanks for sharing your story.
Personally, I would never agree to participate in a commuter marriage.
I agree wholeheartedly, Len.
Use your smarts to figure out how to stay together and enjoy a communal life.
We are conditioned from childhood to be controlled by our employment situation. Break out of the mold!
Easy? No. Satisfying? Yes!