I’d always considered myself pretty street smart. You know, the kind of girl that didn’t have an easy life and had learned many lessons via the School of Hard Knocks.
Then I married my Prince Charming. He didn’t make much money, but we shared the same values, including those regarding personal finance; prior to meeting him I built up an 18-month emergency fund that exceeded $50,000.
Life was good — until that fateful day when the world was turned upside down: My prince ran off with the pot of gold.
One day I was happily married and on a solid financial footing. The next day, I was alone and near broke — just 23 months into my marriage.
I was 48 years old.
At the time, I was making about $106,000 annually. He was making $23,000.
The damage was devastating; he left me nearly penniless.
Before skipping out he drained the entire emergency fund, plus the checking account — including my most recent paycheck — and all of the money that was going to be used to pay the mortgage. Unfortunately, only my name was on the loan — even though his name was on the title, due to a quirk in the refinance process.
Adding insult to injury, I had put money into his Roth IRA, covered his life and dental insurance, paid for his messed-up teeth, fixed his truck, paid off his back child support and retired his tax obligations. After all, he was my husband; I trusted him.
The first issue I had to deal with was how to cash-flow this disaster. I was fortunate that my house was full of food when he left. Thankfully, he also skipped out early in a month that I received three paychecks. Otherwise, I would have had a tough time covering the mortgage.
After my next paycheck arrived, I was able to pay the utility bills and my car insurance.
The third check paid the lawyers.
Thereafter, I lived close to the bone. My lawyer fees ultimately came to about $9000.
When something like this happens, there are two sides to the coin: emotional and financial. Any divorce attorney will tell you that everything becomes about the money — and that’s exactly what happened.
If you ever have the same misfortune, your losses will be determined by your state of residence.
Thankfully, there are things you can do to protect yourself before, during and after such a crisis.
Before the Crisis
Get and stay organized. Have your financial documents in a safe place. Some of my critical documents mysteriously disappeared — so make copies that only you know about. Be prepared to prove what you had before the marriage with respect to: savings, checking, and retirement accounts, and how much you owed on your house, if applicable. That info will save thousands in attorney fees.
Be alert. If your gut tells you something is wrong, then something is probably wrong.
Cultivate good friends. Establish a tight circle.
During the Crisis
Don’t try to figure out the emotional side. Sane people can’t figure out crazy and selfish people!
Assemble a “Ninja Squad.” For me that included:
- A bulldog lawyer who set expectations for a realistic outcome.
- An old friend who knew me well and wasn’t afraid to speak the truth.
- A physically strong friend to act as a second set of hands. And I mean a friend, not the kind with “benefits” — which could hurt my divorce case.
- Someone willing to listen to me rant without judgment.
- A caring doctor.
- A therapist! Remember that grieving is normal.
Take care of yourself. If you have trouble sleeping, see your doctor; stressful situations are worse without adequate sleep. And don’t forget to eat. Sometimes I went three days between meals.
Be prepared for the opposition. Don’t expect any cooperation to help reduce costs — he ran off with your life savings and will protect his theft at all costs. Don’t get angry. Stay logical. Don’t be surprised if his lawyer’s accusations are unfounded. Take solace in your lawyer’s competency and the unbridled fact that judges have seen this many times.
Change passwords. Immediately. For every account.
Avoid social media. Don’t put any ammunition in his guns — he’ll shoot you with it.
Stick to your budget. Keep everything paid to the best of your ability.
Prepare to lose some mutual friends. The ones you lose were never real friends anyway.
Don’t expect support from relatives. If you do, then you’re one lucky person!
Consider informing your boss. If your boss is the type you can tell, do it — but keep out the details. A brief high-level talk is all that’s necessary.
Don’t hope for reconciliation. He’s not coming back. He used you and thinks you’re a fool. The sooner you realize this the better.
After the Crisis
Count your blessings. Focus on the blessings — not your failures. Like all things, this will pass.
Try again. I find consolation in the phrase: “Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Although my next partner will have a similar income and net worth to me — or better.
Epilogue
I’m fine now. I’ve remained debt free, except for the mortgage — and I’m still doing the same thing I did back when I built my original pot of gold: working hard, living close to the bone and running a tight budget.
Ten months after my nightmare unfolded, I was able to rebuild my emergency fund and pay the divorce lawyer, while keeping food on the table and paying all of the other bills on time. Sadly, I was unable to invest for my retirement during that period — but to tell you the truth, I was glad to be rid of my ex-husband!
One last note: Life smiled on me two months after we split with a new job and a $27,000 per year raise!
Life is good and getting better. Every day.
Photo Credit: Above Top Secret
You mention karma. When people are bad with money, and then they steal yours, it’s not like they’ll change. Although you might not see any of that money again, your ex isn;t going to use it well, and it won;t serve him nearly as well as if he’d stayed married to you.
Oh well, you only lost a guy who wasn;t worth it in the first place. Good riddance to bad rubbish I say.
Good luck to you.
Matt: I had the same thoughts. What he got left with after all was said and done (I got a portion back) is ALL he will ever have. I figure he is a very short-sighted person.
You never answered the one big question I had. Did he pay for his crime? Was justice served?
Did you get back ANY of what was taken? Is he rotting in an 8×8 concrete room with a 300-pound roommate named “Bubba?”
Once your name is on the accounts during your marriage he has the legal right to take it. Even if it is not a moral one. Keep your accounts separate so what you earned before marriage remains yours.
Volfram: I got $12,500 back. What he did is no criminal type crime. The case laid purely in the civil side of the courts.
I believe justice will be served for several reasons. The spending patterns he had during the disoovery period was enough to make me vomit. What he has left of my savings will not last him long.
He lived like he was making nearly what we made together, but on a $23K per year income.
For him to live, and be free, and take his lumps is the best revenge I can ever have. I mean, looking back on it, why was a 56 year old healthy man, with a bachelor’s degree in business, with many years in the work place, so far in debt and making near poverty level wages?
My 19 year old daughter makes more at her retail job! Enough said.
Spedie,
As a retired (non-profit) housing and financial education counselor, I have a another thought about your ex: I wouldn’t be surprised if he made a career out of this and that you were not the only one. He sounds like a con artist, pure and simple. The type referred to by the singer Sade in her song about a “Smooth Operator”. I’ll bet that he had a LOT of experience before you met him. And I’ll also bet that when he’s near the end of his ill-gotten gains, he’ll be looking for another victim. Most of them have a hard time regaining their footing after this type of attack (yes it IS an attack…). The silver lining here is that YOU had a plan in place and had the tools to recover and thrive. Sadly, many of my former clients have not been as lucky. I am very happy that you were able, as they say, to make lemonade out of lemons. Congratulations!!
This is a really powerful post – thank you so much for sharing your story.
I have a friend who is going through the early stages of this so I will forward him this post.
Unfortunately I have had the same thing done to me and it wasn’t pretty.
I have the same thing done too but lost my home as well to pay his debts i had guaranteed for him. I don’t know where he is and don’t want to know, but I also don’t want to be married to him anymore. Is it possible to divorce or dissolve the marriage without trying to find him? It has been 4 yrs now.
Tara: I am certain you can divorce him. Please contact a divorce attorney immediately; they will help you. Best of luck to you in the future.
What a bastard he is!
OMG. I can’t imagine what I would do if the same thing happened to me. I would probably be in prison though. I’m very sorry for what happened to you, but I am glad you were able to recover.
You poor girl! Did you get any of your money back from that scumbag?
Thank you for sharing your experience with all of us. I’m sure it was hard for you but I am also certain your tips will be very beneficial for others who end up in a similar situation!
Yes, I got $12,500 of it back, which wasn’t much. It’s weird how one can be married to another for less than 2 years, and walk off with all that money, tax free.
Love + Money don’t mix.
Somehow they should be separated from the outset. You never know what happens in life. Law’s regarding marriage and divorce should be changed to reflect our changing world in 2013. Pre – nups should be made mandatory to take the awkwardness out of one or the other partner asking for one. “What-dont you love me – this means you don’t think its forever” @@
Keep three fully seperated accounts. His/Her’s/Joint. Share everything 50/50 even if one makes more money. Then If you want “gift” money to your spouse as a treat. We have to make these thing’s seem the norm and “cool” thing to do. There would be a lot less disasters and more starving lawyers….
All divorce settlements should have a definative finite expiry date. Payments should be on a diminishing scale over time. All expenses for childeren should be shared equally and have limits. No one should have to guarantee a certain “lifestyle expectation” to their former partner. It’s ludicrous.
Hey… and you really don’t have to get married. There are other ways of being together and they might even be a better solution. Love truly is blind.
Thank goodness children didn’t come into the mix. Mine were both grown.
My ex tried to come after me for alimony! I was flabbergasted. He didn’t get it, nor did he get a cent of my retirement funds.
Unfortunately, this is all too common. We just had a friend in much the same boat, except her soon-to-be ex was mean and vindictive with her, trying to ruin her boiler and smear her name. Thanks for the post!
That is absolutely horrible. I sincerely doubt my girlfriend would do that to me but that is partly why I want a prenup. It is a crazy world out there with some sick people.
I hear ya, Lance, but I’m not sure how a prenup could ever protect anyone from a spouse who was determined to skip town after draining the bank accounts! I think the only protection from that is separate accounts.
Yup I agree. I’ll be paying a large chunk of money toward her student loans once we get married so there will be something about that and if you leave you have to pay it back probably… who knows! THIS WORLD IS CRAZY!!!
You know, my friends and family keep telling me that my paranoia when it comes to romantic relationships is un-founded, but the story I see and hear everywhere is this one. I never see the version where they skip out on you only to come back three months later and say “Here, I was working on a gift for you. Things got out of hand, but I hope this is worth it.” or “Hey, I was kidnapped by terrorists, but I’m OK, I’ll be home in a week.”
“It is better to have loved and lost…” is garbage. Anyone who says otherwise is planning to walk out on you 23 months into your marriage and take everything.
Stay paranoid, Volfram. LOL
If there was a red flag about this guy, it was that he owed back child support.
Men that don’t support their kids generally can’t be counted on for much of anything.
What a terrible story! Sorry you had to go through all this. I am glad you were in a position to be able to make things work in spite of it all. I want to believe the best in people but have had a few take advantage, not to that extent thankfully, so I am considering separate finances unless both spouse contribute the same amount to a mortgage, apart from that, maybe a shared account for house bills and then each one with his money. Yes it sounds cold but it will definitely prevent such things from happening. Thanks for sharing.
Ah the three keys to a happy marriage in my world: 1. Seperate bank accounts 2. Seperate bathrooms 3. He knows he can be right or he can be happy (and he chooses to be happy). Hahaha. But seriously the first one is important. My SO’s first wife ran up 25,000$ (unbeknownst to him) in credit debt while he was deployed and stuck him with it when they divorced.
CandiO, as far as I’m concerned, there’s only ONE key to a happy marriage (at least from a husband’s perspective):
What’s hers is hers and what’s mine is hers.
(Well … At least it’s worked for me.)
Len, I’ll have to pass your wise advice on to Derek!
Such a horrendous story–so glad you’ve gotten through things so well! I’ve just decided to move in with my BF (he’s moving into my condo, which I own), and I’m charging him rent and keeping everything as-is in terms of accounts, titles, etc. That won’t change even if we marry someday, even though he makes a lot more than me.
Spedie, did you have ANY IDEA this was coming beforehand, now that you think about it? (You’re hinting that you did.)
Also, has he shown any interest in continuing a relationship with your daughter?
I couldn’t help thinking that you should have a separate account — aside from the regular ones — that did just have your name on it. Husband is very reliable (married 31 years-plus), but I was told to do this because of death. If your partner dies, and his/her name is on your account, that account can be frozen until the estate is figured out.
Good luck, and good for you that you kept going. Says a lot about you! (And a lot about him too, unfortunately.)
Cindy: I knew something was wrong – call it my 6th sense. I truly had no idea what he was up to.
He is not the father of my daughter. We were married only 23 months and my daughter is a young adult. My daughters, both of them, think he is scum and want nothing to do with him.
It’s a terrible story but you are still alive, have got your emergency pot back and maybe are a bit wiser. Your ex thinks he got away with it and in financial terms he appears to have but in reality, 5 years down the line, you will be the one who has won.
When it comes to marriage and sharing things, we go the other way. We have joint accounts and plans to build. You can never trust if you don’t try and separating everything into his and hers is just so difficult not so much in administration but it is a clear statement of distrust. If you don’t feel trusted, or trust, why work together to build?
A next potential partner is not guilty of any offence and you may well say goodbye to him before he has the chance to prove to you that he is worthy. Tarring all men (or women as we know men who have been badly treated by women) with the same brush will just ensure a lonely old age.
Sorry to be contrary but when you come to think about it, it is only money.
This very attitude was the one I had when my divorce attorney asked me about it. I wanted this marriage to last as I am approaching 50. I agree that separating everything and not working as a team would have been a sign of mistrust.
I figure I did the right thing, and in the long term, I will be okay.
I agree with Glen this is a very powerful post and will send a message out to everyone who reads it. Sometimes the best stories are the true stories, one’s we can learn from so we don’t make the same mistakes. Glad to hear that you recovered. Congrats on the new job and raise. Thanks for sharing this. Mr.CBB
You Go Girl!!!!!! A friend of mine kicked her hubby out after she found out he was doing drugs… she wanted no part of that!! She was protecting herself and their 4 kids. He ran her down all over town talking trash. Today she is doing just fine, the kids are all married with kids of their own,all still close to their Mom, and the ex wasn’t invited to any of the weddings and isn’t exactly welcome in their homes……
You are a strong woman. Thanks for sharing something so personal. You tips are great, practical, and straightforward. From the way your story ended, it sounds like you are heading in the right direction.
Life did smile on me, in many ways. The new job and big raise helped me out of my dilemma. Who says that good paying jobs with big raises cannot be had in this economy?
LOL, all the way to the bank baby!!
A good paying job and a big raise is NEVER a bad thing.
Thank you all for you kind words, and questions. I only hope I can help someone in my previous predicament.
If he was worth a piece of paper, he would have done it himself. Trust no one.
Spedie
I cant hardly believe what I’m reading here. My wife recently left the coup after 25 years draining everything to the max. Credit cards, overdraft, line of credit. I have been fighting to stay current for the last 5 months and barely getting by with many mortgages, projects under construction, friends that don’t understand and now lawyers that will ultimately get a chunk. Your story gives me hope and I have no choice but to persevere and win my life back.
Surprisingly I’m grateful that I now make all the decesions on my own and am no longer taken for granted. On line shopping and on line gambling should have been my tell tale.
new & used 1. I hear your pain. If you need a remote friend who understands, ask Len for my personal email. Len, it is okay.
Thanks Spedie, I truly appreciate your reply, for some reason today was overall fantastic and for you to respond at the end of my very busy day, not knowing me from shinola clearly makes my day even that much better.
Sincerely , Thank you
ps I will ask Len for your email as I would very much like to communicate with you.
New; I feel your pain. If len chooses to pass it on, so be it. I feel a mighty thing to help others in our situation, even if only to lend an ear.
the emotional side is greater than the money side. I know this.
Spedie
WOW!!! Don’t know what else to this story. This is so so sad. Can’t believe it went down like that. I’m proud of her for buckling down and making it work. Inspiring to the rest of us.
Spedie is a driven lady. If you knew her (I’ve only known her for a month) you’d have predicted this outcome–though I still am in awe.
thanks Tim. Spedie
Wow, what a terrible slap in the face. I’m impressed by your attitude and ability to rebound so quickly. I do think what goes around comes around, so he will get his somewhere along the way.
are you kidding?? I will never join accounts with anyone! If I am a saver and he is a spender, when he spends his $$$ then he more than likely will start spending mine. Even if you are married and both working, each one should have their own account and contribute and share the bills. I have seen way too many problems with my friends relationships. She saves he spends. He barely contributes to bills, even though its him who is creating most of the bills, she keeps paying the bills, he spends his money on god knows what and when he is out of $$$ , he takes and drains the saving accounts. There was a couple that I know of, she kept saving, he kept spending and always complained his money was spent on his kids, who lived with his ex-wife and child support etc. and claimed he had no money, she paid all the utilities, the mortgage, even the food that he ate or eating out, while he didn’t contribute a penny to anything(can you say moocher) he only paid for his car and insurance, that’s it! then he convinced her to join bank accounts (I don’t know why, what’s the purpose when he cant even buy a gallon of milk) then he drained her savings of 30 years in 6 months. It turns out while he was mooching off of her, he was spending money on other women, on himself and when she filed for divorce, the guy had a nerve to go after her house and everything she owned, when he didn’t even spent a penny or buy anything for that house or any of the repairs. She should’ve seen the red flags, if he wasn’t even helping with any of the bills and making her pay even for his food, why was there a need for him to be on her bank accounts? so I say share the bills and keep your bank accounts separate, always! these days you cant trust anyone!
and Spedie I am glad you got rid of the loser!!
glad u r doing more better spedie.. sometimes is is a person’ BLOOD FAMILY that are mooches and the like.. hard to stay away from them sometimes.. sigh
My ex took all the cash we had and ran off.
Still, months later, I got peace of mind that she is gone forever!
My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. But then my husband came back to us and showed me and my kids much love and apologized for all the pain he brought to the family. We solved our issues, and we’re even happier than before!
The nerve of that man to come after you for alimony after stealing everything he could get his hands on! The sheer, utter, gall!
You’re well rid of him. I recall reading that a similar thing happened to Debbie Reynolds on a six or seven figure scale as well, and just keep wondering – how long can these people live these lies? And I hope they all get what’s coming to them.
My husband has proven over and over that he’s trustworthy, but it was over the course of years of seeing each other and we still didn’t combine finances until after we’d been married for a few years. I still keep my hands on the reins, out of sheer force of habit really, though we share and share alike between near-equal incomes and contributions.
Go Spedie, you will make it! You have the brains and the courage, I can tell.
My ex walked out on me after 11 months of marriage when we had just moved out of state and were renting a tiny trailer and driving a loaner car off his dad’s car lot. He wiped out our accounts, took the car, the TV, the stereo and all our unpacked wedding gifts, including those from my family. Our landlady would get lazy about giving us the power bills, which were still in her name so she would pay them then have us pay her back; she had just handed us five months’ worth of bills to pay back, and we had just ordered a full tank of propane for the winter. I made $82 a week at a part time job, and went mighty hungry trying to keep the bills paid while he lived with his parents with free room and board. He had his dad cut his salary so it would look like he made less than me for the divorce. His reason for walking out and ripping me off was that he was “not happy enough living with me.” Six months after the divorce was final he asked about us “trying to work it out again, and maybe have a child this time.” Uh, no.
He did fine, though. I don’t think he failed at anything, from what I heard years later from a relative of his (he finally moved 3 states away.) But you know what? I don’t care even if he succeeded wildly! I married again and I’m approaching 38 years of marriage to my second husband. We have two great kids and three darling grandchildren. I am so, so glad I am no longer stuck with that jerk of a first husband! It was worth the pain and struggle to have him gone from my life completely. And I learned a LOT of lessons that I have passed on to others.
After reading several comments, this would make an interesting topic for article. “Should you have only joint accounts or his/her accounts?” My wife and I are a team for financial goals. I married her, so I trust her completely with our money. I don’t see having separate accounts would be beneficial to us. Now situation of the article, it makes total sense.
Side note, looking back, were there red flags that should have been a warning about the character of the man and a little voice in your head that said “Wait a minute…”? Just because the guy was a con, doesn’t mean the next guy you meet will be one too. Just be on guard.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to take this out of your chest and put it online.
I think you should see it rationally: you only lost what wasn’t worth it in first place.
All the best
Good luck and God bless you.
Hello everyone, this is Spedie nearly 5 years after my experience. Len emailed me today to say he had reposted my story. My ex left the Monday after the Super Bowl 5 years ago. It took me awhile to get on my emotional feet to submit the story to Len.
I used to read a lot on here to keep me focused and on goal.
I am happy to report that jobs have came and gone. I work in a STEM field where mobility is normal.
I am now completely debt free, even the house. I paid off the house in August 2015.
I have had a couple boyfriends along the way but stay happily single.
I look back now at this situation and how ludicrous it was. How stupid and selfish and short sighted people can be. I feel sorry for that type of person!
I have not heard a peep from my ex. And I wouldn’t answer if I heard from him.
I have done well financially. I am healthy. I am happy. I have a great, balanced job. My cat loves me. TRUMP is President! I have great women friends. What more can a gal ask for??
Oh, and if Stephen (my ex) reads this: my nice raise and $10K bonus this year was REAL NICE!!! Ha ha.
I got married early due to early pregnancy gotten out of my reckless living as a teenager,but i never regretted it because it was for the love of my life. As time pass we had a couple more children and although our parents were supportive but for no reason living was hard. As my husband and grew into adulthood,life became even worse, we couldn’t afford to pay bills, we could barely feed and my kids were still very much little, so my husband and i had to sacrifice a whole lot to make sure we provided everything our kids needed. But unfortunately that wasn’t enough.
My husband lost his job as a construction worker and almost half of his life due to an accident that lead to the death of one of his colleagues which he was completely innocent of but because he was a witness of how it happened,the culprit being his boss quickly sets him up for fear of my husband giving him up to the cops, so my husband was charged and sentenced to jail for 30 years for a murder he had no hands in. Of course, i believed he was innocent because i knew the man i married, so i stood by him and continued to struggle on his behalf, took the kids to see their father whenever i was going visiting, let them know that their dad is a good man.
My father in-law got ill and died after hearing how long his son was being sentenced and his mother followed a year after. Things became ridiculously difficult that i almost committed suicide, but i had to stay strong for the kids … and like that, seven years came by like the wind, still refusing to re-marry or abandon my husband, my family all gave up on me and eventually cut me off.
I used to love looking at Suze Orman when she was on tv and always talked about separate accounts and a joint one only for bills. I believe a joint account only works when you are young, broke and married. Once you are older, further in life and career where you have built something for yourself it’s time to keep it separate. My step-father would call me selfish for thinking this way but when you have spent years setting up you lifestyle and finances it only takes one person meaning you harm to take it apart.
I remember when I bought the house I grew up in from my mother for $30k at 20 years old (not in the best neighborhood) but my mother told me don’t tell people I own it tell them I was renting from my mom. I did but you should have seen the guys I dated then. There were two types 1. Wanting to move in so I can take care of them (although they didn’t say that out loud) but something’s fishy when they tell me all the stuff they can help me out with if they move in after a handful of dates. 2. They see me in a house and I never hear from them again because they feel I have more than they have.
Speedy, it hurts but be glad it only lasted less than 2 years any longer than that and your retirement accounts, alimony etc. could have been hacked.
I am 85 years old. My first wife died in my arms in our living room, after a 7-year decline with multi-infarct dementia. I have since remarried – it’s been ten years since Elaine died.
I have seen a lot of life and observed many marriages among my friends and associates, over the years.
From that perspective, I would like to comment on two passages in this article (NOT to criticize or reflect in any way on the writer, but to offer advice to others contemplating marriage:
The first: “…(I) paid off his back child support …”
The second: “Thankfully, there are things you can do to protect yourself before … such a crisis.”
I will be blunt: Don’t even CONSIDER ANYBODY as a spousal prospect who has displayed such blatant familial irresponsibility.
I agree, RD. Good advice.
Such a sad story. I’m very sorry! A lot of people go through pains in their relationships it’s hard to give up on true love, sometimes we pretend to be fine but we are not, fighting to get the one we love is also fighting to back our joy and happiness.
This comment is for John. NO it is not “only money.” It is your future .
We’re sorry to hear about your plight. Both of us had ex-spouses who skipped out on us too. It’s a shock to the system, but you have to find the inner strength to pick yourself up and move forward.