So I studied up, bought some star charts, took some lessons and evaluated the ephemeris as best I could.
I hope you will consider the advice that I have assembled after carefully studying the stars and planets; use this precious information to your best advantage.
Take heed, my readers.
Obligatory Disclaimer: Okay, I only had one astrology lesson — and it was a self-taught one at that — so my predictions may not be 100% accurate. That being said, I think this is pretty good for my first attempt…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20). This month, the moon moves into an opposition with Uranus, which means extra special care is required when shopping for groceries. So use a debit card at the checkout counter — and make sure you only buy vegetables starting with the letter E.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19). As an Aquarian, you’re intriguing, pragmatic and highly intelligent. Unfortunately, you don’t know jack about personal finance. If you’re applying for a bank loan this month, lie.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20). Pisces is ruled by Jupiter. If Jupiter calls, for God’s sake, do what he says. And don’t read any personal finance books written by M.C. Hammer.
Aries (March 21 to April 20). Keep a sardine in your purse or wallet because there’s a strong possibility that over the next 30 days you’ll cross paths with a fast-food trainee working the counter at a local fast food restaurant who can’t tell the difference between fish and legal tender.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21). This is a great month to buy a new car — but only if you pay for it in loose change.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21). Venus is in retrograde. That means it’s a great opportunity to head to the track and place a bet on a gray horse in the fifth race. Your lucky numbers this month are 12, 57, ^, #, and W.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23). Cancers have lousy credit scores. Check yours … if it’s over 740, somebody made a mistake — so take out a loan before Equifax figures out the error.
Leo (July 24 – August 23). Don’t buy gasoline from any retailer that prices it to the nearest fractional cent.
Virgo (August 24 – September 23). Uh oh. Mercury is rising. To protect yourself this month, you must put your faith in others. This is especially true for Virgos who have an appointment with their hairdresser. When they ask for your desired cut and/or color, remember these two words: “Surprise me!”
Libra (September 24 – October 23). You’ll get zero satisfaction from any “customer care” representatives you need to call this month — so forget the phone and write a nasty letter instead.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22). Stay away from any Hamburger Helper flavor that has “Cheese” in the title.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21). When balancing your checkbook this month you’ll make a silly math error that you’ll be unable to find — so ask your significant other to balance it instead. Tell them why you need their help and, if they refuse to believe you, show them this horoscope. That ought to convince them.
Photo Credit: nicksarebi