You’re sitting there just finishing off your last can of baked beans. They’re cold, of course, because your fuel ran out a year ago.
It’s been three years in that hole, with no instructions over the radio from the army, and nobody banging on the thick steel doors of your bunker. It’s probably time to face the world before you starve.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s safe out there.
Your planning was meticulous. Your neighbors said you were crazy planning for the end of the world, but when the apocalypse came you smugly waltzed into your survival den. Of course, that smugness eventually turned into a permanent crazy half-smile as you became best friends with a spork that you had long conversations with in the half-light of a flickering candle.
Now, deranged and without food, it’s time to don your gas mask, open the hatch and see what lies in wait. If you’re lucky, the rest of the world will be functioning as it always had.
If you’re not lucky, well … then survival of the fittest will be the rule. Here’s how to prepare:
Know the Terrain
We can’t all be like Rambo and clamber into the woods and survive a full-on attack from the town police, so you’ll need to comprehensively map and get to know the surrounding area. You’ll also need to know the location of any nearby natural springs, woodlands, streams, lakes and animals, as well as the densest areas of population before the disaster. It’s also worth mapping local farmland.
Watch Your Health
After a long stay in the bunker, you’ll be deficient in Vitamin D; your muscles may have wasted away too. A generous supply of various medicines and other supplements, along with a decent small-space workout schedule, will pretty much be the only help you can give yourself.
Learn How to Forage
Mother always told you to eat your greens. It’s important in a post apocalyptic world too. Find some foraging edible plant books and learn them well. Be especially careful with the mushrooms.
Embrace Hunting
Learning bow skills is important, as is owning a decent crossbow. Also learn how to actually make a bow in case you get in a pinch! You’ll also need knives for finishing off the job, and cleaning and cutting the meat too.Trapping skills will be useful for snaring small birds and animals.
Pro tip: If you’re in a bind, worms and bugs provide quick protein hits.
Avoid People Like You!
Don’t kid yourself; if you survived, others did too. There may be quite a few wild-eyed ex-bloggers, car mechanics, bakery assistants, and Fortune 500 executives running around brandishing knives or clubs, hoping for the next meal.
At first you’ll need to try and stay as far away from the others as you can. Before you consider approaching another human, observe them and see if they’re hostile.Over time you may be able to start interacting, maybe even working and living in close proximity — but trust is something that must be earned.
Hone Your Animal Skills
If any domestic dogs survived then there will be packs of them running around. Assuming you don’t pick them off for dinner, it’s likely they’ll try to follow you around. Befriending a pup isn’t a bad idea and the company of something with lungs will do you good. Many dogs can also become a good hunting buddies, so learning a few Caesar Milan dog whispering skills could be worth your while!
Horses are doing well in the Chernobyl exclusion zone, so they may thrive in future unknown disaster zones too — so pick up some horse-breaking, taming and riding skills and the post-apocalyptic world may become your oyster.
Master the Art of Fire Making
It’s almost impossible to survive if you can’t make fire. Learn how to get a flame going by rubbing sticks together, banging together certain kinds of rocks, flint and steel, and even magnifying sunlight through a lens.
So why do I bother theorizing about all this crazy end-of-the-world stuff?First off, it’s fun — nothing wrong with that!Second, survival skills build character and are extremely valuable even in non-apocalypse scenarios.
At the very least, learning to forage, hunt, cook, and grow your own food are fun hobbies that can also be life-changing events. And having an appreciation of where stuff comes from is important too.
Starting a daily bedroom fitness routine, learning about self-healthcare, and doing physical activities like riding horses will do wonders for your general health.
Taking a general survival course and just learning more about being in nature and what you have available in your local area (even in cities) will grow your appreciation of the world around you.
Who knows? Preparing for an apocalypse that isn’t going to happen could be the most fun you ever had!
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About the Author: Forest Parks is passionate about frugal living, lifestyle, minimalism, and finance.
Photo Credit: Aaron
Awesome article . Very amusing.
Thanks Stephen, I had fun with it :).
So Forest, since we’re in the PF world let’s talk about currency. Obviously, dollar bills will be worthless (except perhaps as kindling or TP), so what do you think we should stock up on for barter or trade after it all falls apart?
Aside from the basics like food and water….I’m thinking the new currency will include basic medical supplies (and birth control), firearms, generators, tools, and salt (yes lots and lots of salt for it’s many uses), and perhaps printed copies of Len Penzo.com to keep us entertained.
Ha ha, yeah I recon the barter system will come back in on full force and it would be a hile before currency got back into place. I guess antibiotics would be like gold and plasters like pennies for sure.
I would stock up on guns and lots and lots of ammos. I guess I’ve seen too many post apocalyptic movies. 🙂
Hey Retireby40, I don’t think guns and ammo are a good thing to rely on, sure a stock just in case really needed but only if really needed!
I like the article! (Not so sure about the baby/fetus in picture, though…)
Thanks Meg.
I love this!!!!!!!!!! And it also justifies my need to carry around matches in a ziplock bag in my purse at all times.
Ha ha ha Tracee, absolutely!
Four Great Preparedness Myths, by Dan B.
Myth #1: You can defend yourself against the horde.
Myth #2: Stock up on the ammo you’ll need to defend yourself with.
Myth #3: I only need X number of days of food.
Myth #4: TEOTWAWKI will be fun!
Nah you stock up on the guns and ammo so that when the apocolypse hits, you can take what you need from the guys who stocked everything but weapons! Oh and at the first sign of the ned of the world rob a pharmacy because pain pills and antibiotics will be worht MORE than gold!
I think the first challenge coming to USA is violence, rapid economic upheaval, and a possible civil war. Look at pictures of Gaza, (not the current real estate proposal calling itself the Mid East Riviera) but the visage of wrecked structures and wailing mothers holding dead children. Then ask yourself if this is a topic to ‘have fun with’ ? There is no surviving for any folks in this type of situation unless it is by chance and luck, despite carrying some matches in a purse. Think of the McVeigh bombing in Oklahoma City that demolished day care centres and killed people just trying to earn a living at work, and then ask the serious question….. are things becoming more chaotic and angry by the day as the political wrecking ball swings….in a country of 400 million firearms including military style automatic weapons (bump stocks are legal). Imagine you are attending a CW concert in a place like Los Vegas and some nut decides to start shooting due to a grudge or belief. Then ask yourself, how many people do you even know on your street? When the rule of law is under assault for political gain, (as it is currently), and has been allowed to continue unchecked for the last 2 weeks and will indefinitely do so into the future, what will the rules be going forward and who will enforce them? Kids are no longer safe at school, and a possible and ventured solution is for their teachers to arm themselves so they can shoot other kids. Nuts. FBI agents are currently being fired for investigating and locking up criminal insurrectionists (since pardoned on day one) and are still supposed to passionately investigate and stop terrorist threats, both domestic and foreign. You voted in a convicted felon, a serial abuser (found liable in a court of peers) who has gone bankrupt 6 times with other people’s money, who doesn’t pay his taxes and is now trying to tariff in enough cash to pay for tax breaks for the wealthiest .01%, and all possible social media critics are now kissing butt for their own extra billions and additional power…..
My Dad grew up in the Great Depression. This was not an effing joke. He and Grandpa were lined up one day trying to get a job in a slaughterhouse in the Twin Cities. As they were ushered in to the foreman’s office a group of very angry men shouted and jeered because they were ‘passed over’. What actually saved my Dad was WW2 broke out and the resulting destroyed industrial competition in Europe allowed the US to retool and rebuild into a time of prosperity, of no competition. My Grandpa told me about ‘sticking pigs’ for his job and how they would scream because they knew what was coming. My Dad became a supply officer in Patton’s army, in charge of bringing in weapons and food for 7th army, and hauling out identified bodies for the returning landing craft. He slept under a halftrack at night to stay safe. These were not the good old days, life was poor and brutal for most everyday citizens. Now, all the supports and gains made since then are under attack, even Medicaid and SS, all in order for the richest to get more.
This is a time in history for serious articles about serious topics. I apologise for being so strident, especially as I live in a peaceful country with universal medical care, a country that follows rule of law and where it is now illegal to even purchase handguns let alone carry them. I know my neighbours very well, live rural, and am quite self sufficient. However, I have also gone through times of reduced employment and poverty when my children were young and was forced to work away from home, for years. And yes, through it all we paid off a house, put money in the bank, and never carried debt. However, it scarred me. I would never wish those hard years on anyone and yet that is absolutely nothing compared to ‘apocalypse’. There are no preps possible which lurks on the horizon. In bad times it is not a time to fight one another over scraps, it is a time to work together and support others. Many hands make light work….and all the rest will follow. Better than guns, ammo, and individual preps.
1. The USA will be just fine, Paul.
2. The odds of a societal apocalypse are somewhere between slim and none. The odds of a financial apocalypse are much greater; the good news is financial apocalypses have come and gone throughout history and the world carries on.
3. Bump stocks don’t make a semi-automatic weapon automatic. If you don’t understand that, then why should anyone believe anything else you say about the right to bear arms? Do you also believe “gun free zones” make everyone safer too? (Hint: They only make the criminals safer.)
4. The rule of law has been under assault here in the US since 2009 (when Marxism suddenly became acceptable in the halls of DC). Thankfully, it is now being corrected and the corrupt rats in the federal government (both the elected pols and the unelected bureaucrats who support these corrupt BIG GOV loons in Congress) are looking to flee their sinking ship. Here’s hoping they move to Canada, where they’ll be among those who prefer to be taken care of by their government (and that government is inherently virtuous and the answer to all our problems).
5. As we saw during COVID, Canada – save for the great people of Alberta – is a socialist country that has no problem persecuting and trampling over the rights of anyone who pines for individual liberty and small government. Think: Mexico, but with shitty weather. No thank you.
6. Socialist medicine is unable to provide timely adequate care for its citizens – which is why, when their life depends on it, so many Canadians and people from other nations with socialist medicine come to the US for treatment.
Other than that, good post.
nicely done