This is the second half of a two-part article. If you missed Part 1, click here.
But what a lot of people get wrong here is setting goals that are too broad or completely unrealistic; it’s a setup for failure when it doesn’t have to be. The path to realize any dream should include a series of small, achievable goals to reach a milestone instead of broad unattainable ones. As a matter of fact, it’s scientifically proven that we have a better chance of reaching goals that are manageable — say for instance, setting a goal of putting $250 in a savings account each month opposed to saving $5000 by the end of the year.
Creativity
Your kids will be on a better path to becoming a well-rounded individual if you let them be creative; explore the world around them; encourage participation in music, art, sports, and culture — and supporting them even though it may not be your thing; play; dress how they want; and otherwise express themselves. Doing so will allow them to find out who they are, rather than who you want them to be.
Civility & Good Manners
“Civility and manners are free and they will get you further in life than the same skills without them,” explains relationship expert April Masini, author of the advice column AskApril. “Simple manners like holding a door open for a woman, or giving up your seat for an elderly person or someone who’s pregnant, as well as writing a thank-you note and responding to party invitations timely are all simple manners that parents forget to teach their children, regularly.”
Open & Honest Communication
Communicating and keeping an open dialogue with your family — and, furthermore, establishing it from the time your kids can speak — is perhaps the most important tip on this list.”If you don’t have a dinner table conversation on a regular basis, use the carpool as a vehicle to teach your kids the art of conversation,” Masini says. “They’re captive; take advantage of the time. You’ll get further if instead of being didactic, you engage them. Ask them questions about their day, and their feelings. Make jokes and tell them about yourself. Comment on social situations by keeping the tone positive, and steer away from gossip because it’s a bad habit that can be broken with discipline and guidance.”
Self-Awareness, Independence & Self-Confidence
“The biggest gift parents can give their kids is a sense of self-awareness, independence and self-confidence to be able to advocate and take care of business on their own,” says Dr. Chester Goad, author and former K12 teacher and principal. “Kids should be fully included in conversations about their education and capabilities, and especially related to planning for the future. I work in higher education and I know pretty quickly when students have been taught to understand their disability or differences, and advocate for themselves and when that has always been done for them. As parents we’re doing our kids a disservice if we don’t teach them how to be independent, and how to approach doctors, teachers or other professionals, or really how to live life as a fully functioning adult.”
The Meaning of ‘No’
Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’. Kids need boundaries, and they need to recognize that they don’t get everything they want. Say ‘no’ and stand firm; assert your authority. Be the boss. Teach them about how they’ll always have to answer to someone in life.
Photo Credit: Nithi clicks
Michelle says
I am still finding the courage to say no more often to my daughter. She’s so adorable and sweet and it’s hard to say no. But, for her own good, I am gonna learn how to do it because I know she can benefit from it and would realize why I do it for her.
Mikey Rox says
That’s one reason I’m glad I don’t have kids, Michelle. It would be very hard for me to say no to my own kid I think , especially if it was so stinkin’ cute. As an alternative, I have nephews and lots of friends’ kids who I can spoil without repercussion. Thanks for the comment, and good luck playing bad cop. 🙂
Deb12 says
Thanks, Mikey. Your article was refreshing and funny, and it brings up discussions we have recently had with friends who have sons who have gone off to college in the last few years.
The first son was very self-confident, and began telling his parents to back off and let him make his own decisions. However, because the second one had a slight learning disability, his parents treated him differently. They advocated for him more during his HS years and influenced him much more strongly to follow “what was best for him.”
He was led to choose a certain college and a specific major. Now that he is 20, they still treat him like he is 14-15. They say it is because he can’t get along by himself, and justify it by saying they are afraid he would fall into depression without their constant “support,” or if he were to fail.
They are dear friends and very intelligent folks. It’s easy to lose sight of the big picture, so thank you for such a good list.
Mikey Rox says
I’ve seen this happen in families I know personally. It only seems to create resentment, however The independent kid resents his parents for babying the kid in need of support because he gets more attention, time, etc., and the kid who needs the extra support resents his parents for creating a sense of ‘why aren’t you more like your brother’ environment, even though they may never say that. Sometimes – and by that I mean a LOT of time – parents need to step back and let their kids go out and make mistakes on their own. Otherwise you’ll be taking care of them for the rest of your life… and I’ve seen that happen too.
Olivia says
Thanks Mickey. You’re touching on the philosophical difference between building adults and playing with your children.
Your friend taking taxes from her kid’s allowances reminded me of “natural consequences”. If you do something stupid, you have to make it right. When our oldest threw a friend’s lunch box down the school steps and broke it, he had to do extra chores around the house to make money to replace it, and apologize to his friend. In contrast, my bro in law had his son visit us. He’s 14. He repeatedly flushed the toilet after a clog. The plunger was right next to the toilet. Not only did it flood downstairs, it soaked our scale and caused it to malfunction. His dad cleaned it up and offered to replace the scale, then said “I told him before, he’ll never learn”. Crazy.
Something you alluded to. Is it is a parent’s job to actively teach their kids life skills while they’re still at home and any fallout won’t do permanent damage.
We’ve tried to train our kids in basic life skills before flying the nest. I told the boys, they don’t have to take these skills as the best solutions, but something to fall back on and improve upon. There is always room for improvement.
A side benefit. Because they conquered things, they will attempt other things on their own. For example. Teaching them to properly dice an onion or pick ripe produce encourages them to try their hand at cooking. Using basic hand tools, encourages them to look up and follow online tutorials. Success breeds success.
We are not perfect and have had to apologize to our kids for doing things wrong. We’ve learned to forgive each other. We expect the same of them.
One is married, the other in college. Our time for hands on teaching is over. If they ask for advice, we can give it, and root them on in their attempts.
Mikey Rox says
It sounds like you’ve done right by your kids, Olivia. Among many other skills I’m sure you’ve shown them, I really think cooking is one of the most important. I can’t tell you how many people I know – like the majority of them! – who can’t feed themselves anything that require stove top cooking. It’s craaaazy! Also, you’re a better person than I am, because I would’ve shown the chronic toilet clogger where the rubber gloves and mop are kept and then left the house for a few hours. Thanks for commenting!