Obligatory Disclaimer: Okay, I only had one astrology lesson – and it was a self-taught one at that – so my predictions may not be 100% accurate.
Capricorn – (December 22 – January 20) Neptune is rising which indicates that some family members have been mooching off you for a little too long now. Empower them by sharing all your financial wisdom. Then kick those teenagers out of the house and give them the independence they’ve been asking for – and the sanity you so richly deserve.
Aquarius – (January 21 – February 19) In addition to being thrifty individuals, Aquarians are a comely lot. A very very comely lot. It’s time to capitalize on that financially by starting your own campaign for outer beauty. So consider sending a few head shots this month to Ford Modeling and a Hollywood agent or two.
Pisces – (February 20 – March 20) You hate to ask for financial help in times of need and this month will be very tough money-wise, so it is absolutely imperative that you immediately convene a prosperity circle that focuses its energy on financial abundance. And if that New Age stuff isn’t for you, then one has to wonder what you’re doing reading an amateur two-bit money horoscope like this in the first place.
Aries – (March 21 to April 20) Your sign rules birth and death. The stars suggest that, at some point this month, you could inherit a great deal of money. However, if you’re not so lucky, it is imperative that you avoid the urge to give your rich but aging relatives a “helping hand” crossing over to the other side.
Taurus – (April 21 – May 21) Venus is rising which means you must avoid get-rich quick schemes at all costs right now. If you’re a single female dating a wealthy sugar daddy, that means you’ll have to put off the wedding for a few months. Remember, patience is a virtue.
Gemini – (May 22 – June 21) Don’t use any coupons this month with a cash back value of 1/100th of a cent.
Cancer – (June 22 – July 23) As a rule, Cancers are tight-fisted misers. Let your hair down and live a little! Next time you have company over for dinner, try adding a chopped hard-boiled egg to your guests’ Cup O’ Noodles – they’ll appreciate the extra touch.
Leo – (July 24 – August 23) Leos can be generous to a fault. With Mercury in retrograde, you’re especially vulnerable this month. Avoid the urge to pick up a Friday night bar tab or two. (Yes, you may be poorer than most Cancers but at least you have friends.)
Virgo – (August 24 – September 23) Virgos are born with the gift of gab and the natural ability to network. If cash gets tight this month rest assured you will find plenty of folks who are more than willing to bail you out – it’s just that none of them will be cheapskate Cancers.
Libra – (September 24 – October 23) Confucius was a famous Libra. Keep in mind that Confucius say, “man with money to burn will find perfect match.” If the perfect match happens to be a Taurus, however, don’t propose until next month.
Scorpio – (October 24 – November 22) Scorpios are natural dreamers who often trust shady people. Your ruling planet, Planet X, is a mysterious place where it’s hard to distinguish between what’s legit and what’s a scam. With that in mind, you may want to consider trying to get back your $2000 investment for the envelope-stuffing business “starter kit” you paid for last month.
Sagittarius – (November 23 – December 21) You may be recruited to help start a very high-risk high-reward business this month. Though you may stumble along the way and file for bankruptcy a few times, your unflagging optimism will not let you be denied. If it is your destiny to become a wealthy entrepreneur, you’re probably going to need assistance from a more financially savvy sign like an Aquarian. If you can’t find an Aquarian, it’s okay. Just make sure you stay far far away from those gullible Scorpios.