Your Money Horoscope

I am now proud to announce Len Penzo dot Com’s initial personal finance horoscope!

No, that’s not a typo.

In order to help my readers divine their nearer-term futures with respect to money and personal finance, I recently decided to try my hand at astrology.

So I studied up, bought some star charts, took some lessons and evaluated the ephemeris as best I could.

I hope you will consider the advice that I have assembled after carefully studying the stars and planets; use this precious information to your best advantage.

Take heed, my readers.  Take heed.

Obligatory Disclaimer:  Okay, I only had one astrology lesson – and it was a self-taught one at that – so my predictions may not be 100% accurate.  That being said, I think this is pretty good for my first attempt…

Capricorn - (December 22 – January 20)  This month, the moon moves into an opposition with Uranus, signaling extra special care is required when shopping for groceries.  Therefore, use a debit card at the checkout counter – and make sure you only buy vegetables starting with the letter E.

Aquarius – (January 21 – February 19)  As an Aquarian, you are intriguing, eccentric and objective – not to mention highly intelligent. Unfortunately, this does little to help you capably manage your personal finances.   If you’re planning to apply for a bank loan this month – be sure to lie.

Pisces – (February 20 – March 20)  Pisces is ruled by Jupiter.  It’s a known fact that Ed McMahon, a famous Piscean, routinely ignored Jupiter and paid the price; despite earning millions of dollars over his lifetime, Ed died a virtual pauper.  So if Jupiter calls, do what he says.  Just don’t read any books on personal finance management written by Ed McMahon.

Aries - (March 21 to April 20) You’ll encounter a trainee who is working the counter at a local fast food restaurant that can’t tell the difference between fish and legal tender, so be sure to keep a sardine in your purse or wallet.

Taurus – (April 21 – May 21)  Taurans like to pay for their purchases with loose change.  This could pose a bit of a problem if you plan on buying a new car this month.

Gemini - (May 22 – June 21)  Venus is in retrograde which means this is a great opportunity to place a bet at the track on a gray horse in the fifth race.  Your lucky numbers this month are 12, 57, ^,#, and W.

Cancer - (June 22 – July 23)  Cancers have lousy credit scores; check yours.  If it’s over 740 it is most likely a mistake, so strike while the iron is hot and take out a loan before Equifax figures out the error.

Leo – (July 24 – August 23)  Don’t buy gasoline from any retailer that prices it to the nearest fractional cent.

Virgo – (August 24 – September 23)  Uh oh.  Mercury is rising.  To protect yourself, you’ll need to suck it up and put your faith in others.  This is especially true for Virgos planning on painting their bedrooms this month. When the guy who mixes the paint asks you what color you want, tell him to just surprise you.

Libra – (September 24 – October 23)  When dealing with a “customer care” representative this month, you will be completely stymied in your attempts at getting satisfaction.   So save yourself the phone call and write a really nasty letter instead.  Don’t forget to complain about the lousy customer service you would have got if you had actually called.

Scorpio – (October 24 – November 22)  Stay away from any Hamburger Helper flavor that has “Cheese” in the title.

Sagittarius - (November 23 – December 21) When balancing your checkbook this month you’re going to forget to carry a one.  Nothing you can do will allow you to find the mistake.  The only way to avoid this situation is to give your checkbook to your significant other and ask them to balance it instead.  If they refuse to believe you, try showing them this horoscope.  That should convince them.