This is the penultimate post in an occasional series from my dear Aunt Doris, who passed away in 2015 at the age of 94.
Every once in awhile, almost everyone says or does something so goofy or dumb that they wish the floor would just open and swallow them whole.
When that happens to you, don’t despair; it will eventually become an amusing incident. Lord knows I’ve had more than a few of them over the years — and I’m going to share some with you now.
Many years ago, I got hired by a brand new department store that was opening up in town.
The day before the grand opening, me and the rest of the staff were checking the store merchandise. I happened to be working in close-quarters with several workmen who were putting some last-minute fixes on the store cabinets. One of the guys was crouching down behind me, with our backs to each other.
Then he got up.
Unbeknownst to either of us, the hammer in his back pocket had inadvertently become hooked under my skirt — and as he rose, my skirt came up with him.
Completely startled by what was happening, I hollered at the top of my lungs, “Hey!”
That poor guy was so embarrassed. The entire staff and work crew had a good laugh over that one. By the way, I ended up working there for 25 years!
I used to be just a “One-a-Day” vitamin taker, along with a little echinacea and L-lysine — the latter being great for stopping those pesky lip cold sores. Not any more. Now I take a half-dozen prescriptions (doctors’ orders) that come with Greek-sounding names.
Recently, my daughter-in-law, Chris, and I were going over my prescriptions. I picked up one of the bottles, but it seemed unfamiliar to me. “What the heck am I taking this for?” I asked her.
“Memory,” she said.
A Malodorous Affair
Not too long ago, I thought I smelled a gas leak in my kitchen. I checked the stove and burners but couldn’t figure out where the leak was coming from, so I called the gas company and they immediately sent a guy out to find and fix it. He checked everything, but couldn’t find the leak either.
Then he noticed something next to the stove. “What’s in that jar with the holes in the lid?” he asked.
And there it was! The source of the dreaded gas “leak” was a moldy clove of garlic in the garlic jar.
I was so embarrassed, but the service guy tried to make me feel better by saying that they got lots of calls like mine.
Better safe than sorry!
An Indecent Proposal
A few years ago I was out shopping and two transients saw me and started a conversation. After a while, the older one suddenly said, “Hey! We should go to Vegas and get married!”
“I don’t think so!” I said. I then quickly ran into the shop next door to get away from them.
Later that evening, I called my son, Kevin, and said, “Hey! Today I almost got you a new dad!”
Kevin wasn’t amused — I got the usual lecture from him about not smiling at complete strangers.
“I do seem to attract odd people,” I said.
“Well, it takes one to know one,” said my son.
And, of course, we ended up laughing about that.
So don’t feel bad about those kind of goofs. That’s life!
Love you guys,